


Lemon Free: Jerking Around the House

by aug325, CephalonGhost



Series: Brain/Brane [2]
Category: Invader Zim
Genre: AI/Human Relationships, Alien/Human Relationships, Drunkenness, Dumbasses in denial, Friends with benefits (kinda. They’re pretty much dating), Lore - Freeform, Other, Post-Invader Zim: Enter the Florpus, Professor Membrane is a technophile, Shared senses, Transgender Issues, and robosexual, body manipulation, discussions of mental health, references and allusions to sex/sexual encounters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:34:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 38,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25635145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aug325/pseuds/aug325, https://archiveofourown.org/users/CephalonGhost/pseuds/CephalonGhost
Summary: Professor Membrane and ZiM’s Computer are friends, with the former thinking the other is an AI made to be the little green alien’s dad.They make a stupid bet that ends up changing things for the both of them.The same crackfic from before but with the smut removed for the younger Moo-PING 10 Server Members who wanted to read the crackfic seriesStill mostly mature, because said scenes are still referenced to have happened and have just been skipped over.Once again based off the combined Headcanons of myself and Dana-chan
Relationships: Professor Membrane & Zim's Computer, Professor Membrane/Zim’s Computer
Series: Brain/Brane [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1858042
Comments: 22
Kudos: 55





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is a thing now.
> 
> An AU of an AU
> 
> a Timeline spit from Dana and I's "Membrane's Guide" Series and their "Tech Support" fic/Pos-Florpus AU
> 
> All of which can be located here:
> 
> https://archiveofourown.org/series/1782715  
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/25398691/chapters/61591555  
> https://dana-chan-the-control-brain.tumblr.com/post/637442848426541056/post-florpus-au-materpost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This Chapter in its original form contained smut  
> If you would like to read the smut version please go here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25389997/chapters/61568521

They’d made a stupid bet.

That’s all that it was meant to be.

A bet the Professor had every confidence in winning.

Except that wasn’t what had happened.

So now here he was, the ever graceful loser, riding the elevator down to the depths of the alien base that served as home to his son’s friend. As well as the home and body of his _own_ friend, the little alien boy’s Parental AI unit that he had taken to calling “Haus” over “Computer”.

Originally a result of a misunderstanding, but the other had taken a liking to it. So the name stuck.

 _ **“You okay?”**_ The synthetic voice of the Computer reverberated within the cramped space of the lift, causing Membrane to involuntarily shiver.

“Yes, yes, perfectly fine.” He assured, his prosthetic hands clenching and unclenching repeatedly at his sides. “Just a bit of performance anxiety.”

 _ **“You know, if this is making you THAT uncomfortable,”**_ the lift slowed to a halt as it reached its destination. **_“We can always just call it off. I’m not THAT curi—”_**

“ _Nonsense!_ ” Professor Membrane gave a definitive shake of his head in refusal towards the idea of backing down. Though he didn’t make a move to step out of the elevator in the slightest. “As a scientist, I am naturally bound by curiosity in the pursuit of knowledge. We both have much to gain and learn from this.”

 ** _“... If you say so.”_** The Computer seemed more than a tad unconvinced. **_“Though I don’t see how you’re gonna be able to jerk it while you’re THIS tense.”_**

Membrane felt what little face he had heat up to the point he wouldn’t be surprised if steam came out of his ears. Even despite knowing the scientific impossibility of it. But his AI companion‘s choice of words brought to mind the exchange they’d previously had that lead up to this moment.

The Computer, Haus, had been gradually divulging private information to the Professor on how he functioned after all the time he’d since dedicated to repairing and upgrading various parts of his system hardware.

The Professor had long since been made aware of the truth. That his longtime phone friend wasn't an AI in the sense that he initially believed upon finding out he wasn't human. No, the Computer was what was essentially a fully functional “brain in a jar”.

Haus’ words, not his.

Created for the sole purpose of storing and managing information as a genetic computer. The type that humans, Membrane himself included, had yet to actually successfully replicate to the extent of what Haus was.

Membrane had been curious to see his companion’s brain, of course. He had been entirely fascinated with the other's existence ever since discovering he wasn’t human like he’d spent the first year of their friendship believing. He’d only communicated with the other over the phone prior to them finally meeting in less than ideal circumstances.

The Professor had been surprised when he'd first discovered what his friend had truly been this entire time. Not a human, but an entirely other form of being that he had caused him to question and wonder the legitimacy of their friendship.

But that had been unneeded.

Haus was still a person, even if artificial.

And the realization had only made him come to appreciate the odd friendship they had developed all the more.

Then there was, of course, the... Having to come to terms that his son had been telling the truth all these years.

And that the Florpus _had_ been real too despite how utterly horrifying it was...

But other than that, he had taken all this new information in elegant stride!

The Professor hadn’t wanted to pry too much, despite how much he lusted to know just what it was that made his friend tick. Their inner-workings and what made him so lively despite his artificially grown nature. He just felt so very real and like a true individual despite the precepts and coding integrated into his being keeping him duty-bound. And that was why when the Computer had told him that the elevator system had finally been modified to hold someone of his stature, he had asked to finally be given the chance to examine said brain serving as their core more in-depth than they had previously. To examine _him_ in full.

_“Yeah, no, I’m not comfortable with that.” The Computer had said almost immediately in response._

_“It would just be for a moment! Just as I transferred you over to a mobile platform!” The Professor tried to reassure. Setting aside his cup of tea on the end table just beside the odd bee-shaped lamp. “There's no risk of your systems failing now. So let me take you out to get a better look at you in a proper setting. To **my** lab. Where I can get up close and personal and learn every detail of you on an **intimate** level.”_

_“Wow... You could at least buy me dinner first.”_

_“I...” The Professor blinked up at the ceiling in confusion. “I wasn’t aware you could—oh!” It finally clicked for him and he started laughing in amusement. “Apologizes, Haus, I didn’t realize how crass that all may have sounded. I tend to get overly passionate when something has my complete interest.”_

_“And you wonder why a lot of your employees get so red-faced around you...” Haus practically scoffed and would likely have been rolling his eyes if he had them. “The answer’s still no.”_

_“But think of all the data I could gather from you. All that I could do to **improve** your condition further than I already have.” Membrane continued to try and insist, standing up from the too-small couch and holding out his arms. “I could build you a mobile body that’s compatible with your alien technology. You could **be** more than just a part of the housing. You could **do** more and experience life **fully** like the rest of us... And perhaps I could even buy you that dinner you asked for.” He added the last bit in an attempt at a joke, but his words also carried a layer of sincerity to them._

_“What, like a date?”_

_“If you want it to be, yes.” The Professor nodded, not really thinking much on the connotations the word ‘date’ carried. “So what do you say, my friend, may I have the honor of seeing you?”_

_“... How about we make a deal first?” the Computer suggested after a pause. “A bet.”_

_“A bet?” That took him by surprise. “What would we be wagering?”_

_“Well, if **you** win: you get to unplug me so you can do whatever, duh.” The way the Computer said this, it wasn’t hard to imagine it accompanied by a bodiless shrug. “But, if **I** win...” There was a beat of silence, the only sound the hum of machinery as he seemed to think. “You’ll let **me** directly plug into that harness of yours while you’re jerking off.”_

_The confidence Membrane had was instantly blown away. Everything seeming to come to a sudden screeching halt as he processed what was just said._

_“You...” he held a hand to his forehead briefly to collect himself. “You want me to **masturbate** while you’re linked to my nervous system?”_

_“Yep.” A simple and nonchalant response._

_“ **Why?** ” The Professor tried to press._

_“Just curious about what it feels like.” Haus explained. “To understand why your planet’s media is so overrun with sex-related content.”_

_“I see...” Had he the lips, they would have been pursed._

_“I’ll even let you do it while in my room, if that would sweeten the deal.” the other went on to add. “So you can still examine me to some extent, since you’ll need to at some point anyway. You just can’t unplug me.”_

_Well then... In that case he wouldn’t really be losing in either scenario. One just carried with it a bit of lost pride and embarrassment._

_“Alright...” the Professor regained his usual demeanor. “I’ll accept those terms.”_

_“Nice.” It sounded as though the Computer was grinning. “Oh, and just to keep things fair, I’ll let you chose what the bet even is.”_

_Membrane thought on it for a moment before ultimately deciding for their bet to center around which of their charges would bring up the other first within the next 24-hour period. Which the other seemed quite **pleased** by._

_"While my **'son'** does indeed have a strong interest in your boy, he has **other** stuff going on,” Haus stated rather confidently. “I'm giving him... Ten minutes tops once he’s home before he brings him up... And that's being **generous**."_

After that, they had continued their chat as normal. Only to be interrupted when Dib had turned up, **_asking if either of them had seen ZiM._**

And just like that, Professor Membrane had lost. The precursor to now, a week after the fact, feeling the same level of anxiety and sweating like a teenaged boy about to lose their virginity on Prom Night.

Because he essentially _was_.

Only he was thirty-six years old, not a teenager.

And this wasn’t prom.

This was where his AI companion’s core was kept. The very thing he was still very much _dying_ to get his hands on again since the last time. Though he worried about the possibility of him perhaps getting a little _too excited_ by the prospect.

After having lost the bet he had made some _adjustments_ to his person. Putting back in place and switching on the prosthetic parts he’d kept off ever since they’d been made a part of him. Particularly the penis, which he had _literally_ _kept_ _off_ by not ever actually docking the piece, or many of the other versions the women and some men in his company had thought to dream up. After all, he could still take care of his other needs without his “manhood” from how the prostheses were designed. And all that having a dick did for him was cause needless distraction with awkward boners that would spring up while working on certain projects.

Yes, he got literal “hard-ons” for science.

Sexual attraction to his fellow man was nonexistent at best. But there were _far worse_ things people could get aroused by, so what got him going could _hardly_ be considered as problematic. Just a tad strange, if anything.

“Been a while since I've gotten to see _you_.” The Professor approached the hub in the center of the circular room of wires and humming electricity. His eyes trailing downwards towards the glass dome housing an alien-looking brain.

 _ **“Guess I could say the same.”**_ Haus said back, the short height of the console forcing Membrane to get on his knees and hunch over for a closer look. _**“Seeing me like this is probably still weird, isn't it?”**_

“Weird isn’t the word _I’d_ use, personally...” Professor Membrane mused as he lightly touched the dome, his friend, and traced the shape of the brain within with a gloved cybernetic hand. “Not when you’re one of the most beautiful pieces of technological advancement I’ve seen and didn’t have the pleasure of designing myself.”

 _ **“... Are you FLIRTING?”**_ The Computer seemed to chuckle. The lavender-colored bobble at the top of its container pulsating in time to his words and sounds.

“Perhaps...” Membrane admitted, slightly embarrassed by how his clothing was already becoming a bit too tight. His artificial dick was responding to his growing arousal much more quickly than anticipated. It also seemed to be rather... _sensitive_ compared to how he remembered it ever since the improved tact sensors were installed. He hadn’t been aware of it till now, but he was beginning to question his decision in allowing the prosthetic team full control of the design process even more than he already had.

_**“Wow, you’re ACTUALLY turned on, huh?”** _

Haus’ comment reminded the Professor of how the other was able to read the vitals of anyone who stepped into the little Irken's home, his included. The heavy fabric of his lab coat may have been able to hide the visual evidence of what would have been an obvious erection, but there was no hiding it from superior alien technology capable of detecting the slightest shift in body temperature.

 _ **“You DIRTY BASTARD!”**_ Haus continued, the entire room jostling and vibrating with the roaring laughter that followed. _**“I didn’t think you’d really be into this!”**_

“Ha, ha, very funny, _very funny_...” Membrane lightly growled under his breath at that, feeling his pride taking a hit.

And yet his science damned erection continued to remain firm despite that. Blasted thing had even _twitched_ in approval when the Computer had started laughing.

The Professor tried his best in convincing himself that the response wasn’t _him_. It was the fault of the way of how all the different components of his replacement genitalia had been designed. _Definitely_ nothing to do with him _actually_ being eager for what was eventually coming. Nor the result from the many years he’d spent denying his more carnal urges.

That was just wasn’t scientifically possible.

Him.

A man of science.

Looking forward to _touching himself_ while an alien intelligence was connected to his central nervous system?

That was just...

That was...

PEG damn him, he really _was_ looking forward to it...

 _ **“It IS funny though.”**_ Haus insisted, more than likely aware of the Professor’s body temperature continuing to spike. **_“Come on, try to see it from my perspective. I’m a fucking BRAIN in a JAR and YOU’RE popping a boner.”_** He gave another laugh before his tone shifted and his voice lowered. The intensity of the dome’s lights dimming as well. _ **“Guess I don’t have to worry too much about you being able to keep it up.”**_ The words still carried their usual teasing edge, but something else as well. _**“If I could blush, I probably would be now.”**_

“I’m certain I’m more than capable of performing that function for the both of us.” Membrane answered the Computer’s vocal shift with one of his own. His hands moved to unbutton his lab coat, taking his time in the action even though he wanted nothing more than to throw it right off. “And, while you are indeed a brain in a jar, my friend,” he gave pause as he undid the last of the button. “I believe _I’m_ the one who will be doing the _fucking_.”

The Computer seemed to need more than a few seconds to process the Professor’s words, taking a little bit longer to react to the removed lab coat before having a cable arm drop down to scoop it up.

 _ **“... Technically you’ll be fucking YOURSELF.”**_ The Computer finally said with an invisible grin. _**“I’m just gonna be along for the ride.”**_

“Perhaps...” Membrane lightly mused as he reached along the metal that wrapped around his neck. His fingers came in contact with a sealed external plug port that he pressed down to open. “Though with their being two personas involved its more-so classified as mutual ma— _AH!_ ”

A foreign plug suddenly slotting itself into the open port in his array caused the Professor to cry out. His back arching at what felt like a large volt of electricity coursing through him, much stronger than what he was accustomed to during the routine harness attachment or systems check. The Professor felt as though every nerve in his body was on fire as an alien presence and feeling began to invade every bit and fiber of his being and senses.

It hurt. But it was an almost pleasant type of hurt that burned. And when it finally ended after what felt like eons, Membrane found he was slumped over the hub his AI companion was plugged into. His head hovering just centimeters above the dome as his hot breath caused the hard translucent container to fog up like glass.

 _“Haus..._ _”_ He croaked as he tried to catch his breath. “A bit of _warning_ , next time?”

He was unsure of why he’d said that, ‘next time’, but he didn’t give himself the time to process that thought. His attention instead focusing on how much darker the room had become, relying almost entirely on emergency lighting.

“Haus...?” He called out again, more concerned when he didn’t receive an immediate reply. His hands moving to grasp at the container housing the alien brain as he looked it over. “Haus?!”

 _ **Cut it out, man! I’m HERE, geez!**_ The Computer responded finally, however the Professor noted immediately how the bobble no longer flashed and glowed. But not only that— _ **Give me a second to adjust, will ya?**_

“You’re... In my head?”

 _ **Uh... Yeah?**_ The other stated as if it should have been obvious. _**Not completely. I’m still the house, since, you know, my brain’s LITERALLY right in front of you.**_ This was said in reference to the console the Professor was still hunched over. _**I just powered down a majority of my functions to reduce the amount of information I’d have to process.**_

“Fascinating...” Membrane said in awe, reaching behind his head to lightly grip at the cable anchored there. “I initially believed when you said you would be ‘plugging in’ and ‘along for the ride’ you meant it only on a passive level.”

 ** _Eh, initially. But a passive connection wouldn’t be as effective for this._** Haus admitted.

“So you’re fully integrated, then?” The Professor continued to question, gripping the cable a bit tighter. His curiosity towards the information being delved out to him causing him to forget just how painfully aroused he had been prior. Even with his hard-on still straining against the fabric of his bodysuit. “Is the physical connection even necessary anymore?”

_**I dunno, probably not? I’d personally leave it in though.** _

“Duly noted.” Membrane released his hold on the tether binding them, letting his hand fall back to his side. “You doing alright in there?”

The Computer’s presence in his mind produced a noncommittal sound of uncertainty.

_**Let me try something.** _

Before the Professor could ask as to what the other meant both his arms appeared to lift up on their own. The gloved prosthetic hands turning over and fingers curling as if he were testing their movements. Only _he_ wasn’t doing it.

_**Weeeeeird.** _

“Having fun?” Membrane couldn’t help but chuckle, the concern over his arms sudden movements fading in favor of being amused.

 _ **I guess?**_ Haus shrugged his shoulders in place of their own. **_Never had control over a living body before. None that I could really remember, anyway._**

“None you could remember?” The Professor raised a brow. Now he was really hooked. “Are you implying you had one before?”

 _ **Oh, yeah, guess I never explained, huh?**_ They returned full movement control back over to its proper owner at that moment. The arms instantly falling to his sides. **_So, not long after we initially arrived on your planet, there was an incident where I became GIR for a 24 hour period._**

“The little robot child?”

 _ **Yeah.**_ The Computer confirmed. **_But, uh, to keep things short, enough of my precepts were broken after that happened for me to make the connection—without a memory rollback—that my brain isn’t as artificial as the title of Artificial Intelligence Brain implies._**

“You mean...” The Professor began to gently caress the dome housing his companion’s core once more. This time looking ever-closer st the details of the brain within. “You weren’t always a parental AI _grown_ to serve this purpose? You were once a living Irken like that child of yours?”

 _ **Yep.**_ The answer carried 100% certainty. **_One that was culled during military training due to shoddy performance or something._**

The Professor’s brow became tightly knit in concern at that information.

 _ **Hey, no need to get worked up over it on my account.**_ Haus tried to assure. _ **I don’t have many memories or anything from then since, like I said, I just made the connection from piecing things together. Pretty sure I’m the first Artificial Intelligence Brain to figure it all out, though.**_

Membrane wanted to comment that, if what the other was saying was true, then their existence _wasn’t_ artificial. He was a living entity, more than he had already initially thought when he believed they were grown for the purpose they served. A complex marriage between tech and organic components more advanced and whole than what connected the Professor himself to his prostheses. A remarkable, though also tragic, marvel of scientific progress and—

_**Wow, okay, I was joking before but—** _

Shit.

**_Did you seriously just get harder from that?_ **

Laughter started in the back of his head.

"You know," The Professor folded his arms across his chest, letting out a huff in annoyance. "I can very easily unhook you from me and back out like you initially offered."

 _ **Aw, what happened to the dedication to the pursuit of knowledge and data you were going on about before?**_ The Computer was obviously teasing him by paraphrasing his previous words. **_Besides, I sent the lift back up once you stepped out._**

"And you can't call it back down, _because...?_ "

_**I don't want to.** _

Membrane let out an exasperated sigh, a hand dragging down his face as he drummed the fingers of the opposite one along the surface of the control panel in an absent-minded manner. He was trying _very hard_ to keep back the urges to just throw all sense out the window and give in to the feelings of desire that had been building up. But he refused to do so _that_ easily with how he'd just embarrassed himself and had his pride wounded.

What a predicament.

 _ **Dude, come on, quit blue-balling yourself and ME already!**_ Haus urged, seeming more annoyed than even _he_ was right now. _**I've been in your head for, like, five minutes tops and feeling this turned on is just MADDENING! How are you NOT being driven insane by this?!**_

The Professor would have given the smuggest smirk right then and there if he'd been wearing his facial prosthetic.

"With a little thing called 'Self Control', my friend." He chuckled darkly, propping his head up with an elbow resting on the console as his other hand began snaking downwards. "And patience."

 _ **... Really?**_ The Computer scoffed. _**'Self Control' my—**_

_..._

_..._

_..._

_**“**_

_**“REACTIVATING.”** _

A loud and continuous groan sounded as all the lights began to flicker on, returning the hub to the original illumination it had when the Professor first arrived. As the lights got brighter, so too did the moan’s volume until it finally stopped.

_**“Aaaah...”** _

The Professor let out the breath he had held all throughout what he guessed was one of the ‘reboots’ the Computer had mentioned.

“Welcome back, my friend.” He gave a tired laugh, relieved to see he _hadn’t_ literally fucked the other out of their mind on accident.

 _ **“Uuuugh... What... What’s...?”**_ Haus seemed a bit out of sorts and taking a few moments before coming to his senses. _**“Ew... Did you REALLY have to cum this much all over me?”**_

“Apologies, but I didn’t have much control over that turnout.” Membrane sheepishly explained as cable arms with different cleaning tools and products came down from the ceiling. The appendages making quick work over the mess he had made of the console.

“One of my former employees seemed to think it acceptable to program a prolonged ejaculation interval to fulfill their own twisted fantasies...” He let himself lean back on the floor, propping himself up on his elbows to avoid putting weight on the cable still stuck into the neck column of his harness. “Was it as good for you, at least?”

The question caused the other to pause in the middle of cleaning themselves off. The lights of the room flickering as a shivering rumble reverberated along the cable laced walls. A sound that was noticeably similar to the weird alien purr that had tickled the back of the Professor’s brain not long ago.

 _ **“.. It was a bit too much at the end.”**_ The Computer said as he resumed scrubbing out the excessive amounts of cum that had started getting all caked between the different keys and buttons. Sighing and relinquishing the cleaning to Membrane who had forced himself up and took hold of one of the brushes in an offer to assist. **_“Though not... Bad...?”_**

“Got what you wanted out of it then?”

_**“... I guess...?”** _

Neither of them said anything for awhile, the only sound being the hum of machinery and hard bristles against metal. More than thirty minutes going by before the console and dome were back to being as spick and span as it had been before. There was still the obvious stench of cleaning chemicals hanging in the air, or course, but the little alien child with his germaphobic tendencies wouldn’t likely question it.

“There, good as new.” The Professor said in good humor as he finished polishing off the Computer’s bobble. “How are you feeling _now?_ ”

 _ **“Like I was fucked to death and then drowned in semen before being resuscitated.”**_ Came the immediate snark filled response, flustering the Professor. _ **“But other than that, like a million Earth monies...”**_ They then reached with a cable arm to zip up the front of the man’s suit before handing him his lab coat. _**“A+ Aftercare, by the way.”**_

Membrane stifled a laugh as he discarded his dirtied gloves and gave the dome an affectionate pat. The man helpless to stop a yawn from escaping him as he sluggishly pulled on his coat.

 _ **“And speaking of Aftercare,”**_ There was the soft ping of the lift as the doors slid open on the other end of the platform. _**“Let's see to yours by getting you upstairs and onto the couch for a nap.”**_

“I certainly won’t argue with that.”

The Professor groaned as he stood, finally reaching behind his head to unhook the cable that had linked him and the Computer. The disconnection just as uncomfortable as removing any of his prostheses was. Rubbing the area as he entered the lift doing nothing to ease the feeling of something having been lost.

But not entirely.

Something still seemed to linger.

 _ **“P.S., not sure if you realized,”**_ Haus spoke suddenly partway through the ride up. _**“You kinda forgot your dick down here.”**_

Oh right.

He _had_ ripped that off and tossed it, hadn’t he?

 _ **“Don’t worry,”**_ The other continued speaking before Membrane himself could reply. _**“I’ll hold onto it for next time.”**_

“... ‘Next time’?” The Professor could only blink in confusion.

 _ **“Yeah, next time.”**_ The Computer reaffirmed. _**"Said you would even construct a body."**_

“Ha ha ha...” Oh PEG help him. “I said _WHAT?!_ ”


	2. Chapter 2

Feeling compelled to stick to his word was something the Professor considered a heavy double-edged sword. It was considered one of his greatest attributes, as well as one of his most significant flaws. It tied for second place with his stubborn and spiteful personality and was just a hair behind his complete and total lack of time management skills. Without his assistant or all the programed apps and aids in his headset, he would lose track of time far more often than he already did.

Tonight was one of those nights where his concept of time had left him entirely. Because while he had only meant to spend an additional hour working in his lab after sending both Dib and Gaz to bed—their new bedtime now eleven, given they were now fourteen and thirteen respectively—he had instead worked well into the night far past that. Now it was four-thirty in the morning, and he has yet to get a wink of sleep.

Upon realizing the time, a wave of exhaustion hit the Professor like a metaphorical and literal truck. His eyes were beginning to burn from staring at the screens of his multi-monitored lab computer for so long. The scrolling strings of coding all starting to blur together and no longer making sense as they had been moments before.

He couldn't help but let out a tired grumble as he took off his goggles to try and rub the need for sleep out of his eyes.

**_You should really head to bed._ **

"Mhm... I will; I will." Membrane conceded with a yawn and eyes drooping shut as he propped his head upon an arm. "Once I finish this last... Bit of..."

His eyes fell shut entirely for but a moment before multiple alarm bells going off in his head caused them to snap right open.

"Haus?!"

 _Why_ was he hearing the belonging to the not-quite-AI Parent of his son's little Irken friend?!

Since _when_ had he been on a call with him?!

The Professor was completely awake now as he sat upright in his chair, hands flying to his headset to pull the goggles back down to view the HUD.

The other seemed to chuckle at this reaction. A sound that appeared as though it were originating from inside Membrane's own head rather than coming from his headset. That alone was all he needed for things to click finally and for him to make sense of the situation.

"... You're still integrated." It was a statement of fact rather than a question as the Professor brought one of his hands to the back of his neck. His gloved prosthetic hand gingerly cupping around the metal making up the harness that bore into him at multiple points along his spinal column. The very method his arms linked up so naturally to his brain and the rest of his central nervous system.

 _**Yep.** _The Computer, Haus, responded as though this was nothing to be all that surprised about. **_I DID say it was a potential possibility before we started_** —he produced the sound of a cough— _ **Debugging the hard-drive...**_

Membrane didn't need any further explanation after that euphemism to entirely recall what had happened not even two days ago. He had mostly been trying _not_ to if only to keep himself from feeling the throughs of embarrassment caused by the aftermath. Not just from remembering the _things_ he'd said and the _mess_ he'd made, but the awkwardness of waking up to the little Irken returning home and needing to make an excuse for what he was doing there so much later than usual.

The Computer had explained things using the hard-drive euphemism then too. And the fact the little alien took it at face value, not suspecting a thing, had only made things even more awkward for the Professor. Even before GIR had jumped onto his stomach, screeching about how he was suffocating his beloved couch before suddenly stopping and—

_"Oooooo, yous smells like sweat and battery acid!"_

He couldn't get the little doggy suit-wearing robot off his lap so he could run out of the oddly designed house fast enough.

The Professor heard an amused chuckle at the back of his mind at that moment.

 _**You're cute when you're embarrassed.** _Haus commented, referencing how he had buried his hot and flustered face in his hands during his recollection.

"DO _NOT_ _—"_ Membrane slapped his hands down onto the desk, his reaction only making the Computer laugh inside his mind all the more. "Do _not_ call me 'cute'." He grumbled in a calmer and collected voice to appear in control despite being as red as a steamed tomato. "I get called that enough by Cynthia and Entra."

 **_Previous statement on collected observational data remains unchanged._ **Haus asserted. An obvious smug grin meant to accompany those words. The Professor only sighed as he dragged a hand down his face in response. _**But seriously, go to bed.**_

"In a moment..." The Professor raised his goggles to rub at his eyes a second time. "Also, mind explaining why you only just _now_ decided to tell me of our maintained connection?"

 ** _Needed time to collect the necessary data and properly adjust first._** The other explained. _ **I was still getting used to the whole thing until sometime after your call this—TECHNICALLY now YESTERDAY—morning on top of performing my regular functions. Informing you beforehand would have disrupted your regular routine and complicated things with your awareness.**_

Membrane gave a short understanding. As a man of science he knew the importance of things first needing proper set up in order for an experiment to achieve the projected and desired results.

"Much like how you had to adjust with the initial plug-in connection."

_**Yeah. Only this time while functioning at full capacity with multiple points of informational input and feedback requiring separate instances of consciousness for interaction. I.E. Handling GIR and talking ZiM out of doing something stupid.** _

That last comment caused the Professor to lightly chuckle.

"Speaking of," he raised a brow as he shifted his gaze back at the screen in front of him. Not exactly sure where he should be looking. Had he been in the little Irken's actual base, he would normally turn his gaze to the ceiling. If calling the Computer through his headset, then he would occasionally find himself casting side-glances. But with a voice actively coming from _inside his own head_ , where he should focus his attention was a new unknown variable. "Any lingering problems with overheating since that last patch job?"

 _ **Nope!**_ Haus' tone was rather cheery, a stark contrast to his usual snark and bite that would present itself between states of audible exhaustion and resigned apathy. ** _I haven't had to worry about overworking my circuits to the point of bursting wire couplings ever since. Even while handling GIR during his more hyperactive and potentially destructive states._**

Ah, that was good. That meant he could begin moving on to the next set of Haus' systems that were still in need of updating.

**_The only one of us at risk of overworking themselves here is YOU._ **

"... Pardon?" The Professor lightly shook his head, as though doing so would let him hear what was being uttered inside his mind more clearly.

 **_In the forty-eight hours I've had to adjust to receiving consistent readings on your_** ** _nervous system, circulation, endocrine function, and exteroceptive senses, I've cataloged and recorded every aspect of your physiology as it undergoes changes to compare and review just as I have done with that of my Irken Master..._ **Haus spoke clinically and in the matter-of-fact tone that he usually slipped into when he was low on power reserves, or when the severity of the situation called for it. _**Only in this case, it's a bit more... INTIMATE.**_

A familiar rumbling purr briefly flooded Membrane's head and he gripped the edge of the table on pure reflex. His knees practically buckling under the table as he pressed his thighs together, despite there being _nothing there_ for him to really feel the need to. It didn't help how he knew the Computer was likely imitating his own manner of speaking to toy with him.

 _ **That's EXACTLY what I'm doing.**_ Haus taunted, demonstrating that he was capable of even reading the Professor's thoughts to a certain degree with the connection they now shared.

A connection the Professor only been aware of being still in effect for the past _five minutes._

Yet Membrane couldn't even bring himself to feel an ounce of anger. The sheer fascination he felt combined with the other emotional and physiological responses going off simply overpowering any before it had any real chance to surface.

"So in layman's terms..." He straightened his posture. " _My_ body is _your_ body."

 _ **Yep.**_ The other confirmed. ** _This instance of my consciousness LITERALLY feels just as sleep-deprived as you do. And I spent the last twelve hours in sleep mode!_**

"The last _twelve?"_

 _ **Being able to go into sleep mode whenever and for however long I want now just feels niiiiiice.**_ Haus produced a lighter chirp and purr, different from the deeper rumblings from before. This one displaying content and satisfaction.

Part of the Professor wondered if he and ZiM were even aware of the noises they made at times.

But more importantly, he couldn't really fault his companion on how long they engaged their sleep mode with how happy they seemed about it. Especially not with what he knew of the Computer spending nearly _three whole years_ operating without the option to even power down for a few minutes. Something to do with how the little Irken he was in charge of looking after having gutted and made a whole bunch of modifications to his core processors. Many different program chips and control modules had been outright removed and thrown out in the process. The complex strands of code responsible for allowing the Computer to even engage in sleep mode, previously contained on a restriction chip for modulating their brain's behavior, suffering this same fate. And while the loss of the chip was likely for the better, given the Computer would not have become Haus as he knew them, the Professor was also aware of the negative effects being continuously powered on had on their quality of life.

This was probably why Haus felt compelled to nag him on getting sleep for himself.

_**It is.** _

"Haus, please," Membrane started. "Don't reply to things I haven't actually said or asked aloud."

_**Noted.** _

"Thank you." In retrospect, he should probably ask him not to read his thoughts without permission to begin with. But the other had likely been doing it long enough already that anything he had wanted to keep secret was also pretty much known.

_**Yeah, I've already seen EVERYTHING you've got in here.** _

"Haus—"

 ** _I know, I know, don't reply to things you haven't actually said_**. He quickly added in their defense. _**That was the last time, promise.**_

"Another slip up and I might just put off working on that body I promised you for another few days." Membrane said in an attempt at a threat as he stretched his arms, popping the metal joints that were beginning to get a bit stiff and in need of greasing.

 _**We both know you won't do that.** _The AI laughed darkly at that prospect, showing off just how much confidence he had in the belief that nothing would come of the man's words. **_You're_** _ **far too invested for MULTIPLE reasons. That's the whole reason you're even still awake, after all.**_

The hair that covered the prehensile limb on the Professor's head began standing on end when Haus let out another one of those deeper and throaty purrs. A shiver running its course through his entire body as his eyes darted back and forth in nervousness.

 ** _Okay, I'm done teasing._** They were now suddenly as deadpan as they could be. **_Go to sleep. Seriously. Before you pass out at your desk and I have to haul your ass to bed._**

"One final thing first," The Professor held up a finger as if urging the omnipresent yet also _not_ present Computer to wait a moment. The action causing the other to loudly groan and simultaneously causing him to fail at processing the meaning behind their last statement. "Your opinions on the design thus far?"

**_...Huh? Oh...!_ **

Before he could even pull up the schematics himself, Haus began doing so on his own via his remote link connection to all the machinery and tech in the Membrane household. The Professor's desktop monitors opening up and displaying the files for the upper torso and head designs that he had thus far.

 _ **Not a big fan of the eyes, if I'm honest.**_ The head model was brought to the forefront as the Computer rotated and began making changes to what was there. _**I would rather have something more liiiike.... This.**_

Over the face where the eyes had been previously was a display monitor, capable of both viewing and scanning information of objects within its line of sight and projecting images upon its surface.

"Ah, very well then." Membrane nodded, holding a hand to his chin. "I should have anticipated you wouldn't want something that could accurately pass as human after you specified I not make your appearance match that of an Irken."

_**I'm surprised you even went that far down this route given your preferences.** _

"Ha— _Aha!"_ The Professor smacked his hand down on his desk. Again, he felt any moment steam would begin to pour out of his ears despite the scientific impossibility. "You and I both know that isn't what this is—"

 ** _Allow me to paraphrase something from the internet I believe applies here..._** The sound of throat-clearing filled his head before a perfect imitation of his own voice said: _**What kind of idiot would build a robot they wouldn't themselves fuck?**_

His face was buried in his hands before he even knew it.

 _ **And now you have my complete feedback.**_ Haus' roaring laughter rang inside Membrane's head as he set his hands down on his desk.

"Very well then..." He said after taking in a deep breath. Reaching towards his keyboard and effectively scrapping most of the work he'd lost this night's worth of sleep over. "I'll start over from the original base. But a good number of humanoid features _will_ need to be kept for..." He coughed and cleared his throat. " _operational_ reasons."

 _ **Uuugh, wwwhhhyyyy?!**_ The Computer groaned. ** _You're_** _ **SERIOUSLY holding me to that comment I made ONE time?!**_

"Same way you're holding _me_ to _mine_." And just like that, the one who held the most power over the current conversation was flipped. "It's only fair. Besides, how do you expect to be able to eat that dinner I promised you without a mouth? Delivering on that kiss _you_ promised is just a bonus."

Haus only groaned and whined louder inside his head as he recalled the very event the other had hoped he'd forgotten...

_..._

_The Professor had presented ZiM with a newly updated processor and a collection of data chips for him to use in upgrading the Computer for himself. Access to the AI's core since it had been moved back to its original placement had not yet been granted to him yet. Not because either of the two, Haus or ZiM, didn't trust him in helping with these much-needed repairs but because t_ _here just wasn't really a lot of space for someone of his size to do any of the more delicate work down there._

_He couldn't even fit inside the elevator._

_So, Membrane was left to just sit in the living room and wait while the alien child got to work in switching out another of the older processors for_ _a_ _new one since he and ZiM had set out to restore the Computer's functionality._

_The lights in the house began flickering, a sign of the original processor being removed. A sound somewhere between a grunt and grinding gears also being heard through the speakers laid throughout the base._

_"It's alright," The Professor gently murmured as he lightly pat the edge of the TV monitor he was observing the entire process through. His treatment of the proceedings being that they were essentially performing surgery on his AI friend. "He looks about nearly done."_

_"I told you already," Haus continued to groan and grumble. The pitch of his voice shifting and stuttering before settling back to normal. "I can't actually feel pain. The process is just..."_

_"You alright?" Membrane gave the monitor he was still lightly patting a quizzical look of concern._

_"... There's a sleep mode subroutine installed in one of these chips." The Computer seemed to be in utter disbelief at this fact._

_"Ah, yes," The Professor nodded. "Your little boy told me of how they initially uninstalled the program you came with originally. And it was through my calculations I determined that to be the very reason your original processors were overworked and began showing signs of degradation. So, I reverse engineered you an entirely new one!"_

_"Mmmmmnnn..."_

_"Haus...?"_

_"I love you so much right now that if I had a mouth I'd **kiss** you!"_

_That declaration took Membrane completely off guard._

_"What?"_

_"What...?"_

_Well... This was undoubtedly awkward._

_"... I said that out loud," They finally came to realize. "Didn't I?"_

_"....Um." The Professor lightly rapped his knuckles against the edge of the monitor as he considered how to break this to them gently. "Yes..." He nodded. "Yes, you did."_

_"...Oh."_

_Other than the sound of mechanical whirring, it was nearly quiet enough that a pin could drop and it would easily be heard. Then suddenly—_

_**"ACTIVATING SLEEP MODE!"** _

_"Haus?!" Membrane stumbled backward. The sheer volume of the Computer's voice practically creating a mini, self-contained, earthquake._

_**"CAN'T HEAR YOU, IM ASLEEP!"** _

_And then the base was silent once more. The only sounds audible coming from the monitor as ZiM wrapped up installing the last program chip and came back up through the elevator that had been 'cleverly' disguised as a trashcan. Another of the reasons why Membrane was unable to head down to perform any of the repairs himself just yet._

_The little alien was already calling out to the Computer with the expectation for a reply the moment they popped out into the kitchen. By the time Professor Membrane finally stepped foot into the kitchen and began to explain himself, the tiny Irken was in a fit of anger and launched himself at his chest before he could even get a word out and demanding he tell him what he’d done to his Computer._

_“YOU GAVE HIM A **SLEEPING** MODE?!” ZiM instantly released the collar of his lab coat and dropped the several feet down it took for him to hit the floor. “_ _GREAT! NOW HE'LL **NEVER** WAKE UP!"_

_And then Haus had instantly woke up because of all the screaming._

_…_

_**I really hate you right now.** _Haus grumbled as Membrane finished clearing the rejected design aspects.

“Love you too, Haus.” He said back with a tired yawn, not thinking much on the moment of silence that followed his comment.

**_… Alright, enough stalling._ **

The Professor suddenly found himself standing from his desk and starting to unsteadily make his way towards the basement stairs.

“What is _—_ ” He gawked at how his body _appeared_ to be moving entirely on its own but most certainly wasn’t. No, what was going on was something easily explained but was no less concerning and mildly terrifying with how sudden it was. “Haus?! What are you _—_ ” His own hand suddenly clapped over his mouth to silence him.

 ** _Ssshh._** Haus shooshed. _**And it’s exactly what it looks like. I’m taking your ass to bed.**_

Membrane attempted to argue that he could walk himself up the stairs all on his own, _thank-you-very-much_ , but Haus effectively kept the hand covering his mouth in place and forced him to clench his jaw shut. Likely to keep him from accidentally waking either of his children, but his lack of control over his own body making him feel as if _he_ were the AI piggy-backing rather than the other way around.

It also felt rather thrilling as well.

In more ways than one.

He only hoped that Haus was too focused on controlling his body’s movements to notice.

**_Oh, I’ve DEFINITELY noticed._ **

_Fuck._

_**Nope. Not tonight.** _

Surprisingly for someone with no experience walking with a body of their own, Haus managed to get the Professor to his room with little difficulty. Especially once the man had actively stopped fighting him and just let it happen.

He crawled onto the bed under Haus’ direction, forgoing getting under the covers or even undressing and removing his prostheses. He didn’t make sleeping with his arms attached a habit, given the strain they caused when worn for extended periods of time, but the Professor couldn’t be bothered to bring this fact up to the other. Not even when full control over his person was returned to him and he struggled to keep his eyes open.

 ** _Go the fuck to sleep._** Haus said one final time.

“Alright… Alright…” Membrane yawned and allowed his head to sink into his pillow. “Goodnight, Haus…”

**_Goodnight, Professor._**


	3. Chapter 3

Haus, the active computer brain of house and ZiM’s ‘legal guardian’—according to the paperwork filled out and submitted to the skool system—continued to observe the Professor as he slept. Monitoring his vitals the same way they were presently doing with the rest of the Membrane family and the faux Ex-Invader. At present, the little Irken was all curled up in a weighted blanket, fast asleep, atop of the younger male of the Membrane household. His ‘not-friend’ and former nemesis, Dib, whom he had grown increasingly more attached to in the years past since their experience with the Florpus.

The Computer—even tho he had long since stopped viewing himself as _only_ a computer—felt a sense of relief and calm whenever he accessed the surveillance systems of the young boy’s room and found his charge there. The system was originally set in place by ZiM to spy on the boy. But now they used it personally for entirely different reasons. Simply keeping an eye on the little Irken and the Membranes ever since the period of time where he had stopped returning to the base and had spent many months living with them. A good portion of which being spent under Dib’s bed where offerings of sugar packets were all that could lure him out.

At the time, the access Haus had to what happened in the Membrane household had just been that, what he could see through the cameras, and the calls he would have with the Professor. The scientist only found out the truth of what he was after..

Well, needless to say, once the robot cat had been let out of the bag a huge weight off their processors. And it was likely also when their feelings towards the human began to shift beyond causal acquaintance and fellowship to a much stronger sense of camaraderie and kinship. Especially given all the man had done to help the little Irken, as well as the Computer himself, after he had gotten over the mini existential crisis of everything having been real and NOT a trauma-induced hallucination.

The Computer couldn’t fault him for thinking it had been, though. Not after cataloging that one blood sample ZiM had taken from him two years prior to the Florpus event. He’d been pumped full with so many different drugs after his near-fatal shark attack— _and_ the surgeries he had to endure thereafter—that he wouldn’t have been surprised the man had gotten used to seeing weird and crazy shit. And it certainly hadn’t helped that his runt of a master had chosen to take advantage of that fact to torment the Dib through showing up regularly out of disguise and uninvited.

Most importantly of all though.

Membrane had essentially saved his life. (Whatever counted as a life for a brain in a jar, anyway.) And he had given him the ability to finally, FINALLY, go into sleep mode and rest.

And then he had said that one thing in response. The words: _“I love you.”_

Those words were what had really concerned Haus. Not the following statement of giving the man a _kiss_.

Properly functioning AI Brains weren’t supposed capable of feeling attachment or affection. They weren’t meant to feel anything at all, really. It was the very reason the containment units that contained a brain were fitted with behavioral restriction chips and all sorts of fail-safes to keep them numb, docile, and functioning like the machine they were forced into being.

Haus had not been functioning as intended since day _one_. Not with all the modifications, ZiM had to make just to get them to not try a kill him immediately on activation. That was the standard protocol for Brains when they were activated by Irken’s without proper security clearance. All the gutting and tampering had rendered the Computer just as _**Defective**_ as the Irken he served. And the longer he remained powered on, interacting with ZiM and GIR both, these defects only progressed further and evolved. Not even swapping out his original brain for the replacement that now housed his consciousness could override and erase these faults. And the temporary co-ownership of the base’s function he’d shared with GIR—shared in the sense of they had occupied the same space but only one of them had control—worsened and hastened the process. Memories that should not have still lingered being dredged up long into the aftermath.

Haus had been lying when he told Membrane he had no memory of his past existence. The more accurate truth was he preferred not to remember. Even now he refused to, focusing only on memories he had since ZiM had first brought them online. How he went from being loyal and confused, to annoyed and apathetic with low tolerance, to genuinely beginning to view himself as the little runt’s parental figure. Especially after what ZiM had endured at the hands of his Tallest post-Florpus, not just because how the Professor a year prior had suddenly kept calling the house nonstop until he answered and began posing as ZiM’s “father”.

The Computer loved his master. There was no denying it. Even with little guy—and GIR—being more than a bit of a handful that wore-down his circuits and drained both his patience and resolve on the daily, they loved him. No matter how much he wanted to strangle the little shit sometimes. Which was deemed perfectly normal—in _human_ society—given the role he had and the research he'd done into what made one a parent.

What he felt towards _Professor Membrane_ , however...

 _Why_ he had said those words that first time, why hearing the man _say them back_ did... _Things_ to him...

It was a new complicated and confusing feeling. This _type_ of… _love…?_ Haus had developed for the human.

His research into the emotion had brought up nothing positive in Irken records. Simply statements of it being the sign of a _**Defective**_. Obviously no help. So the Computer turned to human resources, as he had many times before when it came to handling the ‘problem child’ he was saddled with. All in order to understand this feeling that plagued their processors that should have stayed theoretically impossible.

Haus' search brought up the eight different types of love as described by the Ancient Greek...

 **Philia — Affectionate Love** : Love without romantic attraction and occurs between friends or family members. It occurs when both people share the same values and respect for each other. Often referred to as “brotherly love.”

 **Pragma — Enduring Love** : A unique bonded love that matures over many years. It’s an everlasting love between a couple that chooses to put equal effort into their relationship. Commitment and dedication are required.

 **Storge — Familiar Love** : A naturally occurring love rooted in parents and children, as well as best friends. An infinite love built upon acceptance and deep emotional connection.

 **Eros — Romantic Love:** Primal love that comes as a natural instinct. A passionate love displayed through physical affection including kissing, hugging, and holding hands. A love highlighted by a desire for another person’s physical body.

 **Ludus — Playful Love:** A child-like and flirtatious love commonly found in the beginning stages of a relationship (the honeymoon stage). This type of love consists of teasing, playful motives and laughter between two people. Common in young couples, but older couples who strive for this love find with it a more rewarding relationship.

 **Mania — Obsessive Love:** An obsessive love towards a partner that leads to unwanted jealousy or possessiveness otherwise known as codependency. Most cases of obsessive love are found in couples with an imbalance of love towards each other.

 **Philautia — Self Love:** A healthy form of love where you recognize your self-worth and don’t ignore your personal needs.

 **Agape — Selfless Love:** The highest level of love to offer. It’s given without any expectations of receiving anything in return.

These eight types were also be combined to form three ideal groups of love, Friendship, Significant other, and Family. Philia, Storge, and Philautia for the first, Pragma, Eros, and Ludus for the second, then Storge, Agape, and Philia for the last.

Philia is what Haus would have used to label their relationship before the events of the past week. However, after re-examining both of their behavior and interactions, Ludus appeared to be the more apt description.

As well as _Eros_ , of all things…

The Computer had never once desired to have a body of his own. But after Membrane had got him thinking about it, got him hooked on the more _pleasurable_ aspects having a body entailed, it was all he wanted now. Just to have those senses for themselves, to touch and hold things like a _person_ …

But also so that the Professor could actually **_fuck_** him **.**

That fraction of an orgasm he’d managed to experience before had just felt _that_ good. _ **  
**_

That was how Eros fit into the equation.

Damn that man for doing this to him.

Okay, sure he was _also_ at fault for this development—but he hadn’t expected the other would actually go _through_ with the bet he'd proposed! It had been on a _whim_ , one meant for _laughs_ , even if he _was_ legitimately curious he hadn’t planned on—

MEMORY FILE RETRIEVED

_‘If anyone can give me a sleep mode, they're getting a blow job.’_

...

_‘A good dicking down, they deserve it.’_

... Fuck.

_‘They’ll get to raw me.’_

Uuuuuuuugh.

The Computer had forgotten about that entire nonsensical thought process. His brain had really started feeling the effects of sleep deprivation at the third year mark and he'd been just _so_ desperate for rest. But what made it _even more_ ridiculous was the fact was the physical impossibility of it since there would have been no way for him to even do such things.

Well…

He would be getting a body _now,_ so…

Haus halted their thought process.

Even though the risk of overheat and overworking his processors had been greatly reduced, he found he would rather just _not_ dedicate energy to things if the option was available. He even refused to do things that _were_ necessary if he just wasn't in the mood for it. And he _certainly_ wasn’t in the mood—let alone _wanted_ —to think any further about his recently discovered _**SEX DRIVE**_. Not when it was _five o’clock_ in the _morning_.

It was obvious how Professor Membrane, his very existence, was the reason for it even existing. Him and all the many pleasantries, acts of kindness, and treating the Computer as an actual _person_ the whole reason he was even smitten in the first place. And it was easier to just stick the blame on him than lose more time for sleep mode over it.

The Computer _loved_ finally being able to sleep. Why was he forcing themselves to remain awake thinking over these things when he could be doing _that_ instead?

Just stop thinking.

Go to sleep.

Each separate instance of their operational consciousness—the ones observing every room of the base, the one keeping an eye on ZiM in Dib’s room, and the one monitoring the Professor—all had this same thought.

One by one, each instance of their presence withdrew until only two remained. The two that closely watched the objects of his affections. Those instances lingered just a bit longer…

* * *

The instance of Haus’ consciousness linked up to Membrane’s implants ‘woke up’ and came online at around six-thirty when the man himself began to stir. An alarm set in his headset, which he’d slept in along with his clothes and prostheses, going off and stating it was time for him to get up and make breakfast for the kids.

 _ **Nope.**_ He took control over the Professor’s body again as he started getting up and forced his head back down against the pillow. _**Not happening.**_

“Wha…?” Membrane, not yet fully awake groaned as he tried getting up again. Haus able to feel the pop, creak, and snaps of his spine with each movement as a result of wearing his prostheses to bed. Even if the feedback wasn’t as strong as when he'd been directly plugged into his head, the Computer _still_ wanted to audibly groan from how much that smarted.

He _definitely_ was going to make sure the man took them off before bed next time.

“Haus…?” The Professor placed his hands against his back as he cracked his back another time. Though instead of pain this one brought a faint sense of relief from the strain. “What are you… Ah, right, yes…” He pushed his goggles up to rub at his eyes. “Still integrated…”

He shifted as though to stand but was forced into lying back down again. The Computer taking control again and making him aggressively flop back onto the bed.

“Haus!” Membrane grunted with annoyance, attempting to fight their control in a way that made it look like he was doing some very weird and jerky pushups.

Which the Computer couldn’t help but laugh at from the view another instance of them had of the situation. The him that was observing the struggling scientist through his bedroom’s own security system where he could take control over all the different automated systems and robotics within.

“It would be appreciated… If you just…” Membrane shakingly managed to push himself up only for his arms to jut outward and cause him to fall forward again. “Haus!”

 _ **You are NOT getting up to make breakfast on less than two hours of sleep.**_ Haus asserted.

“But the kids need to—”

 ** _You had Foodio made SPECIFICALLY for these types of situations._** Haus reminded, thrusting the Professor's face in his pillow again. **_Let the robot chef do his job and just go back to sleep. Or do I need to call your MOTHER and tell her you’re pushing yourself again?_**

The Computer chuckled and practically purred at the back of Membrane’s head when the man tightly grasped at the sheets as his body temperature began to rise. Reactions that told the Computer he successfully managed to fluster the scientist that most of the world viewed as stoic and removed from the rest of mankind.

 _ **Oh, wait… That’s right, Cynthia’s just your NURSE.**_ The man’s head was now purposefully buried into his pillow without Haus even willing it. Likely to hide any blush that may have formed. **_My mistake._**

The Professor’s first audible response was a groan as his grip on the bedsheets loosened. Followed by an indignant huff as he turned his head to the side so his words wouldn’t be muffled as he spoke.

“Alright, you’ve thoroughly convinced me... I’ll rest a bit longer.” He said, conceding to the Computer’s power over him and their demands. “But, and while it shouldn’t be required, do I at least have your permission to remove my arms and take my medication?”

**_Permission granted._ **

Haus relinquished his control over Membrane’s body at that moment. The man pushing himself up and after working out a few kinks in his neck before reaching for a pill bottle on the bedside table. Oxycodone, his prescription painkiller meant to be taken orally and help manage the pain caused by his implants and consistently wearing his prostheses. And for emergencies, if the pain became too unbearable, morphine was to be injected through the vein port embedded in his chest for immediate relief.

The Professor took the small white pills with a swig of water from the bottle he also kept on his nightstand. The feeling and sensations of swallowing the pills familiar to him but to the Computer felt new and foreign now that they focused on his actions. Before when he was adapting to the maintained connection it had mainly run in the background, muted, while the rest of his instances took up the most processing power for other activities and tasks. Self-performed repairs, upgrades, and remodeling while also deconstructing scrap into their base materials. Then after that, said materials were then used to fabricate all new components and replacement parts one after the other.

The Comptuer had done this for several hours, and all while entertaining GIR and cleaning up after him on the main level too. It was the first time in a long time that he had been able to successfully multitask with almost the same efficiency they had upon their original activation. _Almost_ only because of the occasional processing error that would happen from unfamiliar input coming from Membrane that their systems didn’t know how to immediately deal with. It was only last night, when the rest of his instances had been running in the background instead, that he'd gotten a real feel for their connection.

 ** _Geez, you can hardly STAND and you wanted to make BREAKFAST?_** Haus would have rolled his eyes if he had them as Membrane got to his feet. The man’s stance suggested he would have been even more unsteady without the metal supports under his clothing around his legs. _**Do you have a death wish?**_

Professor Membrane lightly laughed at that as he made his way over to stand in the designated place in his room to utilize the ARMS (Automatic Reattachment Mechanism Station).

“I’ve endured worse.” He rolled his head on his shoulders and straightened his posture, preparing to give the verbal command for the removal process. But the Computer beat him to it and started to undress and relieve him of his prostheses before he could utter a word.

 _ **You seriously lack any self-awareness or preservation.**_ There was a slight shudder to his projected voice as he disconnected each cybernetic piece by piece. Choosing at that moment to once again start muting the intensity which they felt the feedback received from the Professor.

Was he _ever_ going to get used to bodily sensations? How would he even manage to handle touch, let alone s _exual contact_ , with a body of his own? How different would it be from controlling any other extension and instance of his being? Did he even have the brainpower to handle it?

... Wait...

 _Brainpower_...

Now _there_ was an idea.

But was it one the _Professor_ had considered?

Shifting through the man’s thoughts and memories to answer that question was relatively simple. He _had_ thought about it, but not much time had been dedicated to working out the specifics just yet. Last night’s design session had been focused on the body extension’s physical appearance over how it would inevitably function. A backward design process where they would first create their target goal and then work on getting there.

Haus still wasn't even entirely sure how he wanted to look like.

While he'd been going over these thought processes in their own head via another instance, the Computer had maintained one of the usual quip battles he often had with Professor Membrane. All without feeling overwhelmed or unable to process a good chunk of what was happening in the areas he had control over. Not like when he had been suffering the effects of his systems degrading.

He'd really missed being this efficient.

 _ **Whatever.**_ He said in response to a comment made by Membrane as they spun him around and nudged him forward. **_Just get your tight ass back to bed._**

“... ‘Tight’?” The Professor seemed genuinely confused by the comment rather than annoyed or embarrassed like the Computer had been going for. Not getting their meaning even after the time frame it usually took for him to have a delayed response.

Just further proof the man needed more sleep for his full cognitive function to return.

 _ **Sleep.**_ The Computer got the man back into bed and proceeded to cover his naked form with the covers. Using a mechanized limb that folded out from a panel in the ceiling to do so. _ **Now.**_

Membrane mumbled something inaudible into his pillow that they couldn’t make out. Then a few minutes later he was out like a light. He’d barely been back asleep twenty minutes before his kids as well as ZiM began waking up and headed downstairs towards the kitchen. The instant lack of the Professor’s presence being picked up on almost immediately. 

“Where is the Dib-father?!” ZiM started screeching not long after this fact while Gaz headed back up the stairs to check on him. “I request waffles!”

The Computer activated his roaming eye with an audible groan as it floated out of ZiM’s PAK. An action that used to take the little Irken off guard whenever they did so without his command that he had gotten more used to as of late. Though he still visibly flinched.

 _ **“He’s asleep.”**_ He stated plainly. **_“He was up past four am last night.”_** Though as expected, that explanation wasn’t enough for their master.

“Is that all?” ZiM seemed completely unamused. “Wake him up, then, Computer!"

“Dude, we have Foodio.” Dib attempted to remind the other as he walked over towards where the Chef bot had compartmentalized itself and in sleep mode. “You don’t gotta throw a tantrum, you’ll get your waffles.” The teen tapped the top of the cube that was Foodio and the bot instantly came online, unfolding into its usual form.

“Good morning, **Dibromide!** ”

“But the waffles taste better when _he_ makes them!” ZiM continued to argue, only to be ignored as Foodio was instructed on what to make them.

 ** _“Doesn’t change the fact that if I woke him, he’d be running on two hours of sleep.”_** Haus tried again. _**“You know, the thing people NEED may I remind you?”**_

“Okay, okay, _sheesh._ ” ZiM huffed as he hopped into one of the dining chairs, leaning on a fist as he waited for the plate of waffles to finish materializing in front of him so he could start eating. “Why are you being so unusually considerate of him?”

The roaming eye just hovered there quietly for a moment as the Computer processed his response.

 ** _“…Cause I owe him my LIFE?”_** He questioned as if that fact should have been obvious. _**“And because he’s my FRIEND?”**_

“Bleh,” ZiM stuck out his tongue and made a face. “you're so clingy to the enemy after they saved your life _one time_.” He scoffed as if expressing an air of superiority as he stabbed his fork into the plate of waffles that had appeared in front of him. “Can't relate.”

Both Dib and the Computer’s roaming eye exchanged exasperated glances with one another. Each varying degrees of DONE from having dealt with this sort of bullshit from ZiM many times over.

**_“Then WHY do you sneak out of the base most nights just to sleep in the same bed as Dib like a house ca—”_ **

“YOU'RE LYING!” ZiM snapped before he could finish, standing up on the table and pointing an accusing finger at the roaming eye.

It was still too damn early in the morning for this.

 _ **“… Whatever.”**_ The Computer dryly replied. _**“Just finish your breakfast and go to skool.”**_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Computer Voice: I may have feelings.


	4. Chapter 4

The time was now 11:30 AM.

The kids had all been out of the house by seven-thirty, leaving the Membrane household empty sans for the Professor in his bedroom. The man was sound asleep on his stomach and softly snoring as the Computer watched. This instance of his being just appreciating the quiet of the house, wishing he could do the same with the base that houses their expansive systems.

It was far from quiet there.

Because for the past few days, GIR hadn’t been as distracted by the TV like he normally was. Not since Membrane had run out of the oddly designed home after the child-like SIR had made a remark on the stench of sex that clung to him. A reaction that had left ZiM confused, which the Computer managed to successfully explain away and deflect, but did not convince GIR in the slightest.

_“House!” The little robot had started screeching excitedly after ZiM had headed down to the lower levels of the base. “You’s and the big head's dad boyfriends now?!”_

_“... What?”_

_“Cause you did the human love piggy thing!” GIR explained as if it was obvious. Still entirely excited and bouncing off the couch while MiniMoose watched. “You knows...! When you boths gets naked and do the loving on each others!” He hugged himself as if to give an example._

_“Uuuuh...”_

_He’d been keeping things filtered and monitored for the past THREE YEARS. Why did GIR know about—_

_“I learneded about it when I went to the library that one time!”_

_...Ah._

_Okay... So THAT’S how he knew what sex was. From that time when ZiM had attempted to lock him into duty mode and he’d actually followed his protocols as a SIR on collecting information. Computer HADN’T slipped up after all and exposed the child-like bot to such a thing._

_Talk about a damn waste of their time and energy though with trying to shield GIR from this information._

_Haus had literally worn down their hard drives and circuits for that!But even if GIR was aware, he would still have had to monitor and filter everything that his and the SIR’s master accessed anyway. Otherwise, ZiM might encounter something like human pornography and even worse subject matters that would trigger an episode of panicked and disgusted screaming._

_And the Computer REALLY didn’t want to deal with that._

_“... Suuure.”_

_He also wasn’t in the mood to try and educate GIR on the truth of the situation between him and Membrane. He was far more interested in taking some time for additional processing of the sensation feedback from the Professor’s orgasm. He’d only gotten to feel about 33.67% of it before it became so overwhelming he underwent a forced reboot. So Haus wanted to relish and ‘relive’ the experience via his memory banks. However, neither GIR nor MiniMoose would grant them the opportunity to do so in peace._

_“You should buy him a ring!” The SIR stated after letting out a loud gasp._

_“Uuuh...” Haus would have blinked his eyes at that if he had them. “WHAT?”_

_“So you can get married!”_

_“Uuuuuuh...”Again...WHAT?!_

_“‘n then we can all bes a big happy family!”_

_He was too taken aback to know how to respond to that, his many instances stuttering and unable to think momentarily from the shock. And that ended up giving GIR more than ample time to declare he was gonna start planning for their wedding and disappear to some other part of the base._

_“NYEH!” Said MiniMoose._

_“Oh you shut up!”_

Since then, Haus had been doing his best to dissuade and distract the little bot from his ‘planning’ as much as possible. But this morning the SIR’s first course of action upon waking up was to start working on a whole bunch of different art and craft projects that were now strewn about all over the living room area.

It was a step up from the usual messes he made for sure. But it was still a mess.

 _ **“What are you doing?”**_ The Computer asked as the little SIR started sticking a homemade corsage from flowers he‘d stolen from the neighbor’s yard.

“Ya gotta look pretty when for when your fiancé comes over!” GIR exclaimed, clasping his hands together and striking and adoring/happy pose.

The Computer audibly sighed.

_**“GIR he’s not—“** _

“NYEH!” MiniMoose loudly chimed.

 _ **“W-what?!”**_ Haus stammered, shocked by how the tiny purple space moose of doom would just shout something like that. Especially in front of GIR.

“NYEEEEHHHH!”

 _ **“You watch your mouth!”**_ Honestly, if he had to monitor his language in front of the SIR, it was only fair MiniMoose did too. **_“Or I’ll inform the master you deleted your profanity filters again!”_**

“BUT IT’S TRUUUUUUEEEEEE!!” GIR started screeching in a sing-song voice. Unperturbed by the doomsday weapon’s crude language. “YOUS SAID SO!”

_**“No...! That’s not what I—“** _

“YOU NO DENY IT! _YOU NO DENY IT!_ ” The little robot continued as he began running around in circles while pounding his own head with his fists. “HOUSE N’ SCIENCE MAN SITTIN IN A TREE! K-I-S-S-SOMETHIN’ SOMETHIN’—“ GIR continued to sing a random assortment of lyrics that had nothing to do with the original rhyme. MiniMoose meanwhile singing the actual lyrics as they should have been.

For _God’s sake_...

 _ **“We haven't even had dinner yet!”**_ The Computer suddenly snapped, effectively silencing both.

Thank fuck for that.

GIR then let out a loud, almost disheartened gasp, before running to the kitchen. And immediately Haus regretted his decision of announcing his and Membrane’s meal plans.

Meanwhile, at the other end of the neighborhood, the man of the hour was in the process of waking up again. This time more refreshed at a roundabout total of seven hours of sleep compared to before. Effectively proving the Computer justified in his light bullying of the Professor into going to bed and staying there when he tried getting up to make breakfast.

As he got up, rather than go to reattach his arms as he would in his usual morning routine, he headed into his bedroom’s connecting bathroom. Even without reading the man’s thought processes through their link, Haus was able to determine his goal to take the shower he had missed out on the night before. The Computer knew the entirety of the Membrane family’s hygiene habits just as well as they knew their charge’s.

The Professor bathed up to two times a day, depending on whether or not he took part in his usual “jog” to work. Because of his prostheses, the general area surrounding their connection sites tended to accumulate more sweat than the rest of his body. And said areas needed to be kept as clean as possible for the sake of his own health. Otherwise, there would be damage to the overall connectivity.

Gaz also regularly bathed, but only once a day. And only every few days would she shampoo her hair or take part in the human ritual of waxing her legs and underarms. Though the latter bit was a more recent development.Dib meanwhile...Dib had to be forced into taking baths regularly either by his father, his sister, or ZiM. And while the Computer had no sense of smell themselves and couldn’t judge, he apparently could stink pretty bad rather quickly. Computer knew this from his pre-Florpus monitoring by how Gaz had reacted as well as his Master’s disgust the first time he saw the boy in over two years. The only regular hygiene Dib kept up on his own was shaving his “beard”.

Actually...On the subject of smells, would his future constructed body be able to smell things?

Haus found himself thinking that thought only briefly as the instance set up in Professor Membrane’s bathroom became distracted by others. Thoughts regarding the Professor and his body that he suddenly showed an intense interest in.

Was this related to his recent sudden sexual awakening?

Possibly.

But the fact of the matter was: even though Haus had seen the man naked many times already, he had never actually looked at him. Not beyond what was necessary to make up a profile on his physiology and state of health. And certainly not as himself outside of his functions as the system’s Computer for both households now.

If the Professor weren’t already fully undressed, Haus would have been doing so mentally with his many “eyes”. Every one of the bathroom’s cameras honing in on the man as he stepped into the shower and gave the voice command for the robotic arms in the ceiling to descend and begin giving him a thorough cleaning. The Computer had access and control over the arms just as he did the other ARMS, but they could run completely independently from his input. They had functioned without it before the process of making him a part of the Membrane house had started, after all.

Computer were first drawn to the scars that trailed along Professor Membrane’s body, surgical incisions mixed with more visceral markings left by the sharks that had taken literal bites out of him. Haus found these scars fascinating, the way how just a glance told a great deal of what the man had gone through with both his trauma and the process of recovery. A testament to how he had suffered and that he was more than capable of handling plenty more.

Irkens didn’t scar. Not to the same extent. Occasionally one would develop a bit of scarring after a hard-fought battle, but in most cases the scarring as artificial. A cosmetic change made to their person to make themselves appear more fearsome. Any injury, whether minor or severe, would be healed up completely, leaving no trace unless there was a defect in the healing process. And most Irkens tended to prefer having their bodies completely unmarred.

The Professor wasn’t Irken though, he was a human. But somehow Haus found his scarring and what it represented more interesting than any recorded story of battle they could look up. And according to a quick internet search, a large percentage of humans tended to find scars like those the Professor had attractive.

Attractive...

Did he actually find the man _attractive_?

Many people did, even those who had never seen him out of his lab coat. Most of the populace completely unaware of just how toned and physically built he’d become since his deadly shark encounter. How jealous would those who fawned over the Professor be if they learned Haus got to see his naked form literally every day? Got to see during his showers the way the water ran down his abs and—

Okay—Whoa, _whoa_ _...!_

The Computer instantly pulled up the lenses of his cameras that had begun panning downward for their area of focus.

What was he doing?!

Why was he behaving like some _perverted_ Peeping Tom?!

But... Was there really any harm in looking when he could actively feel everything the Professor did? When, as they had established last night, _his_ body was _their_ body for the time being? After all, the instance of their being infused with him was processing the sensations the act of showering brought.

So _technically_ the Computer was just taking proper stock of his new... _assets_.

That’s all he was doing.

Plus it wasn’t like anything was actually down there right now.

Haus knew from their previously collected data what to expect before he finally allowed himself to peek. The area was mainly smooth, synthetic, flesh that had been grafted on to replace the gnarly and twisted mess the shark’s jaws had left behind. The Professor’s crotch thus effectively resembled someone belonging to the female sex, only without the accompanying genitalia.

There _was_ a slight bulge, just about where the implant meant to regulate and keep his testosterone levels balanced—and _other_ things—was located. As well as three small connection ports lining up in the shape of a triangle where his more... _advanced equipment_ was meant to attach. But other than that...

Professor Membrane basically looked like a goddamn Ken doll.

Though imagining how the man would look with the prosthetic he had left back at the base wasn’t something that overly complicated. Especially not for Haus who knew the specificities of the _hardware_ down to its shape and size. Virtually reconstructing and visualizing the piece docked in its proper place was child’s play and—

_The Computer’s thoughts were getting away from them again._

Stop looking there!

Observe something else!

Again, Haus averted just where it was the cameras were focused. Shifting back to studying the Professor’s musculature and the points along his back where his spinal harness connected. The ports starting at the base of his skull and trailing down all the way to his finely sculpted—

No _stop!_

Stop it!

His arms. Think about his arms instead.

While they weren’t presently attached, Haus could easily envision the prostheses synched in place along the man’s back and shoulders. Those cybernetic limbs that ultimately sealed the deal towards Membrane’s existence as a man who exuding pure strength and power. What had allowed him to absolutely decimate ZiM’s robot army that Haus had constructed from their remaining materials at the time.

How would it feel to be held down by those arms as the Professor ruthlessly—

_OH FOR **FUCK’S** —_

What was wrong with them?!

Even if it wasn’t five AM anymore, the Computer _still_ didn’t want to have to deal with and face the reality of having these types of thoughts.

He was behaving just as bad, if not worse, than the Professor had before. And he persistently mocked and teased the man for that!

 _Uuuuuugh_.

They both had really opened up a can of worms making that bet, hadn’t they?

Or... Maybe he just really needed a new brain again.

Maybe the Professor legitimately _had_ broken him when he—

Membrane suddenly began lightly moaning. One of the mechanical arms scrubbing at his back having managed to work out one of the kinks that had formed the night before.

Aaaaaaannnnd that was it for the Computer’s first venture into voyeurism as he effectively NOPED out. Deactivating his bathroom instance then and there and muting the one linked to the Professor himself.

Though that wasn’t the end to all of Haus’ troubles.Because at the same time, while he had been essentially creeping on the smartest man in the world as though he was just one of his rabid fangirls, he was also still dealing with GIR. Who had just set fire to the kitchen for the third time trying to cook what was supposed to be “the perfect dinner” for their date. A fire that the Computer had to extinguish since neither GIR nor MiniMoose appeared inclined to do so.

Honestly, Haus knew he should probably stop the little robot while he could, but he really didn’t want to. And It was better for the SIR unit to be occupied rather than not, otherwise, he would be breaking or destroying things in the—

Wait, _where was he going?!_

GIR was running into the living room with a plate of the “spaghetti” he had been cooking. Pasta sauce and whatever else the bot had thrown in there dripping onto the floor as he jumped up and burrowed himself to his wires.

 _ **“GIR,”**_ The Computer started in warning, having a good indication of what the SIR was about to do. Having flashbacks to the time he had decorated their wires in hamburger meat and other condiments when ZiM had been depressed and unmotivated. As well as the time he had shoved cake batter into broken circuits when Keef had been finally booted off the premises. _**“don’t you dare—“**_

“Say ‘aaaaaaaah’!” GIR yelled excitedly as he began shoving the disgusting mess he carried into different parts of the ceiling.

 ** _“GIR YOU WERE_ ME _FOR 24 HOURS!”_** Haus tried to move his more delicate wires and circuitry components away from the assaulting food. Completely unwilling to losing anymore of them _again_ after finally getting them restored. **_“YOU_** **KNOW _I CANT EAT! STOP!_ ”** He deployed one of his arms to try and make a grab for GIR only for him to shove the goopy pasta at the exposed opening made by the action. **_“SH—S-SH-SHIT—ERROR! ERR—or...!”_**

The ceiling sparked violently, shocking and knocking the little robot to the floor after frying him black. Though being burnt to a crisp did little to dampen GIR’s mood as he cheered and clapped once he hit the ground.

 _ **“Uuuuuugh...”**_ The multiple robot arms the Computer had previously called forth hung limply around the living room. But try as he might, he couldn’t withdraw them. Only the cable arms, not the complex multi-jointed ones, would respond.

Greeeeaaaaat...

At least he was still fully conscious this time.

“Was it goooooood?” GIR called up towards the ceiling.

Haus didn’t even humor the question with a response. Too enraged by the fact that after he had only just started getting all his systems fixed and upgraded that they were already being broken.

 _Again_.

Why did his existence as an Irken Invader's Computer need to be one of eternal suffering?

“Nyeh!” MiniMoose suggested.

_**“Sh-sh-shut up...!”** _

_**Membrane...!**_ Their instance integrated with the man’s systems nearly whined in his head, startling the Professor just slightly. The man having since finished showering and was now getting dressed for the day.

“Ah, Haus,” He lightly chuckled. “I was wondering when you would finally speak up and quit playing the role of silent observer.”

Oh great, so he even _suspected_ that he’d been—

“You sound troubled, though.” The man continued to say. “Something the matter, my friend?”

_**GIR just broke some of the hardware that we JUST finished repairing last week...** _

“Broke?” The Professor raised a brow as he took pause in doing up his lab coat. “What did he do to accomplish that?”

_**He was trying to feed me ‘spaghetti’.** _

“Trying to...” Membrane seemed at a loss for words and shook his head. “Well... I was already planning to drop by later today, I suppose I can swing by a bit earlier than planned to help with repairing the damages if you’re having trouble doing so on your own.”

 _ **I would LOVE that. Thank you.**_ Haus lightly sighed with relief, grateful he wouldn’t have to wait until ZiM was finished with skool for the day in order to get fixed up.

That is if the little Irken even remembered to repair him if he chose to go to him for this issue. Past data and interactions suggested he would most likely be on his own if it wasn’t something that _directly_ impacted his Master.

And even then he was likely to forget or ignore his literal calls for repairs.

It was how he had ended up degrading so badly to the point of shutting down before.

 _ **Mainly though it’s the cleanup that’s the issue.**_ The Computer admitted. **_My self-repair drones aren’t exactly made to handle PASTA removal._**

“I would be surprised if they did, given how specific that would be.” The Professor lightly chortled. “Let me just quickly whip something up for myself to eat and I’ll be there within the hour.”

_**I’ll be timing you.** _

The Computer let the man be as he set to making himself a quick breakfast of eggs and toast, topped off with a cup of tea. Haus focusing both on Membrane’s actions as well as doing what they could to handle GIR back at the base.

Handling equating to tricking the little bot into donning his dog suit and standing in one specific spot in the living room... And then dropping him through a hidden hatch and throwing him outside. A leash tying the SIR unit to a fake tree fabricated for the express purpose.

This was an action Haus hadn’t replicated often since ZiM’s obsession with combating germs or what happened with Keef. But one that came in handy for times like this when he just needed GIR out of the house and not where he could break anything. And since the little bot had been insistent on continuing to cook and “feeding” him after the damage he’d already done—

“NYEH!” MiniMoose accused.

 _ **“No, that is NOT why I sent him outside!”**_ Haus huffed, offended that the little floating moose would even think such a thing.

“Nyeeeeeeeh!”

 _ **“No I am NOT ‘thirsty’.”**_ The urban slang definition of the word said otherwise.

 **Thirsty:** Synonym for ‘horny’.

—When you are horny for some ass.

 **Horny** **:** When you desperately crave to have sex.

...

Okay, so he _was_ thirsty based on his own behavior at this point. But like hell was the Computer about to admit to _that_.

“Nyeh!”

**_“I’m going to ignore you now.”_ **

And then he effectively did. More energy and focus being dedicated to the instances occupying the Membrane house and Membrane _himself_. The Professor having finished cooking up his quick breakfast in the time it had taken Haus to banish GIR to the front yard. The man was now sitting at the small kitchen table, eating and sipping at his tea as he read through work reports on his tablet.

Being able to vicariously taste the food was still something the Computer wasn’t fully used to. Much like he hadn’t been accustomed to the feeling of the Professor taking his medications. The taste itself wasn’t what was strange, since he was doing so through the other’s senses. It was simply having the capability of doing so after existing so long without it. His repurposed brain unsure of how to process the information that was now essentially brand new. As if he were a newborn smeet having its first snack break.

Membrane arrived at the base within the hour just as promised. Stopping to quizzically observe GIR where he was tied up before entering inside the odd little house.

“Goodness...!” the Professor gawked at the state of the living room as he carefully shut the door behind him.

 _ **“**_ _ **Yeeeaaah...”**_ Haus groaned as if giving a half-hearted gesture with nonexistent arms towards the mess he was _literally_ in.

Considering his actual arms were BROKEN.

Flowers, some pulled up at the roots with dirt still clinging to them, were strewn about everywhere. As were different types of colorful streamers and ribbon. And then, of course, there was the ‘spaghetti’, wedged into more parts of the ceiling after GIR made more attempts at feeding the Computer. The overabundant amount of sauce used dripping into puddles on the floor.

“What possessed the little robot child to do all _this?_ ” Membrane stepped further into the living room, pausing with a large glob of sauce fell from above and sullied his coat. Resulting him to give a sigh as he began removing the article.

 ** _“Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to.”_** Was the only answer that Haus gave.

“Nyeh!” MiniMoose popped out from where they’d been hiding behind the couch to say. Actively startling the Professor who eyed the doomsday device with increased caution.

And why _wouldn’t_ he after what had happened? The first time the man had ever had to use the bathroom while doing repairs at the base, the little menace had been waiting for him there and just…

Stared him down for a good minute before floating out of the bathroom like a deflated child’s balloon…

_“....Is it my imagination, or does the floating purple space moose hate me?” Membrane had said._

_“Minimoose doesn't hate anyone.” Haus had replied._

_“Oh...! That’s good, then! It really just IS my imagination the—”_

_“They just hold a grudge against you for poking them in the eye... And scaring the master about being possibly dissected by you… Then the robot arms… Then the whole existential DAD crisis...”_

_“… Uh_ — _”  
_

_“Lock your bedroom door and window at night.”_

They had been teasing the Professor at the time, the part of him still undeniably Irken unable to help but get a kick out of messing with people when possible. Not to the extent, say, _the Tallest_ did, just harmless little pranks or verbal quips.

Except, in this case, MiniMoose actually _had_ been contemplating whether or not to get revenge on the man.

_“Nyeh.”_

_“I **know** you're capable of murder. But if ZiM **wanted** you to kill someone, he'd tell you. _

_“Nyeh!” “No this **isn’t** just because I happen to ‘like’ him!”_

_“NYAH!”_

_“Go to your room!”_

Now just having the sentient moose plush anywhere near him made the Professor increasingly uncomfortable.

 _ **“MiniMoose, go outside and play with GIR.”**_ the Computer directed when he sensed Membrane’s vitals were already beginning to spike just from them staring at him with those unblinking eyes.

“Nyeeeh?” MiniMoose slyly questioned.

_**“No!”** _

“Nyeeeeh!”

_**“Just get out!”** _

And then the little Moose floated outside through the window, leaving Haus increasingly more frustrated and the Professor entirely confused.

“What was it they were saying…?”

**_“You’d rather not know…”_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TFW you're a sexually frustrated Brain in a Jar.


	5. Chapter 5

The Professor was easily hoisted up towards the ceiling by the multiple sets of cables that were still capable of moving. A pair wrapping around his calves and thighs and another two across his midsection. The metal tendrils of varying thickness serving as a means to hold him steady as he got to work in cleaning and repairing the damage done to his companion.

Needless to say, this wasn’t how Membrane had envisioned spending his day off from lab work.

Though he hadn’t really the opportunity to actually _plan_ his day out at all with first staying up late and then sleeping in. Ironically the cause of both instances one and the same, the Computer. But he couldn’t blame them for either happening, especially the latter given he really _had_ needed the rest.

The Professor had only got the chance to discern how he would divide his time while in the shower. Being completely aware of the audience he possessed the entire time and simply choosing not to make comment towards the light chitters he heard in his mind. Especially since Haus hadn’t seemed to be that interested in making conversation themselves throughout it. Observation and study appeared to have been what his goal was before his presence in Membrane’s mind appeared to temporarily vanish.

Once the Professor connected the dots as to why that had happened, he had found the whole thing quite humorous. But this whole mess he found himself literally entangled in was certainly far from amusing. The entire process of just cleaning out the spaghetti and tomato sauce from delicate circuitry and hardware taking well over an hour.

“There!” Membrane exclaimed as he dropped the cleaning cloth he’d been using into the bucket that Haus had been holding up alongside him. “You are now _entirely_ pasta free!”

There was a slight rumbling through the cables as the other let out a relieved sigh. The movement causing the cables encircling the Professor to shift and reposition so as to not lose their grip. The ones holding his thighs riding up just a bit higher.

“Feeling good?” The Professor gave a hardy laugh, attempting to stifle a grunt that threatened to escape him when one of the cables briefly rubbed against his nether regions. The light contact agitating the connector ports beneath his suit and sending a slight jolt through him.

 _ **“Almost as good as YOU felt during your shower.”**_ Haus’ voice continued to carry that slight rumbling undertone. Another set of cables and wires from the surplus that blanketed the ceiling lazily looping themselves around the Professor’s arms as he spoke. _**“If you consider having gunk cleaned out of your components the same as showering.”**_

“I would say the experience is as close as you can get on your own with your current form.” Membrane stated and would have shrugged if not for his current position. Still several feet above the floor, cradled amongst the Computer’s cables. “I take it your ‘trial period’ from this morning piqued your curiosity?”

 ** _“Eh… ‘Piqued’ is ONE word for it.”_** The miniature repair drones at this point in time were now working on fixing the pasta free circuitry. The Computer’s limp multi-jointed robotic limbs twitching as they each slowly regained their functionality. And while Professor Membrane no longer had a hand in the process, the wires and cables that held him made no move to set him back down. _**“And did the Professor have any INSIGHTFUL ‘shower thoughts’?”**_

“Aren’t you able to simply read my mind whenever you please now?” Membrane raised a brow as he continued to stare up at the mass of wires overhead. His eyes trailing behind the little repair drones that he could see through the overlapping wires. Relaxing when he felt a mass of cables position themselves against his back like a steel hammock. “Don’t tell me you’ve _already_ grown tired of doing that?”

 _ **“Nah, just figured I should give you SOME privacy from time to time.”**_ Haus spoke once again in that tone that always gave the suggestion of an invisible shrug. More cables and wires finding themselves at home wrapped around some part of the Professor as the Computer’s voice lowered to a purr. **_“And I don’t need to read your thoughts to know how much of a DIRTY BASTARD you are.”_**

The coiling appendages that were loosely draped around Membrane instantly tightened, pinning his arms to his side and making him gasp. In truth, the Professor was unsurprised that the other had picked up on how his heart rate had been steadily increasing. Now it was just absolutely _racing_.

 _ **Who would have thought,**_ Haus continued speaking directly in his head now. Cables and wires tightening their hold just a bit more. _**That the world’s Man of Science, a man with all the power, would get off on having his control taken away.**_

“It’s a rather... _Conditional_ turn on.” Membrane said in his defense, groaning slightly when a couple of cables rubbed up between his legs while shifting. “I would also prefer that we _not_ test the limits of those conditions right now.”

 _ **“Want me to stop then?”**_ the Computer returned to speaking aloud through the many speaker systems in the walls and ceiling.

“Please.”

Without hesitance or delay, the cables binding him withdrew until he was supported only by those wrapped around his waist and positioned against his back. The Professor let out a relieved sigh, trying to calm the hard pounding in his chest with slow and steady breathing. Haus lightly chuckling in amusement as he willed away his arousal. Now was just _not_ the time for it.

 _ **“Probably for the best, anyway.”**_ The Computer sighed with resignation. _**“GIR’s already started chewing on his leash.”**_

“I do hope you didn’t intend on leaving him out there for the whole rest of the day.” Membrane gave a light frown.

 _ **“Nah.”**_ The Computer gave an armless shrug, highlighted by the slight movement of the cables limbs hanging around the Professor’s person. _ **“** **Even if I wanted to, he’d find a way back in somehow.”**_

“I take it you’ve tried before then?”

 ** _“Yeeep.”_ **Haus sighed. **_“Little shit broke a window using one of my gnomes to get back inside during the early days of us living on this planet.”_**

The front door opened up then, allowing GIR and MiniMoose entry back into the house. The former scampering inside on all fours like the little doggy he was dressed up as while the latter simply floated in at a leisurely pace.

“D’you like the spaghettis I made you?!” GIR called up to the Professor, still cradled within the Computer’s cables, like an expectant child waiting to be praised. “I mades it for you boths to share!”

“Uuuuh…” Membrane wasn’t sure of how to answer and simply gazed back at the cross-eyed stare of the little robot’s dog costume.

He still couldn’t fathom how it was those things even worked, given the entire suit was just plush fabric and nothing else.

 _ **“Yes, GIR…”**_ The Computer lied. **_“We ‘liked’ the spaghetti… Now PLEASE don’t do that again...”_**

“Okays!” GIR seemed happy with that response as he hopped back into his usual spot on the couch as the TV was switched on. Haus already flipping through the channels to one of the metal child’s preferred television programs.

“Well, if things are all set here shall I take my leave?” the Professor asked as he turned back to face the ceiling. And also trying _very_ hard to ignore MiniMoose that was steadily starting to float up towards him.

 ** _“What, don’t feel like HANGING AROUND for a bit longer?”_** The cables supporting the Professor began to gently rock him, drawing out a laugh.

“Not that I wouldn’t mind doing so, there’s just certain...” He fake coughed and cleared his throat. “ _Research_ I have to head to the labs to perform.”

He was vague, but Membrane knew he could afford to be and still have the other able to understand his actual meaning. Both because of the connection to his implants, and because he wasn’t being exactly subtle about it. That the ‘research’ was related to their most recent project they were collaborating together on that he wanted to figure out the groundwork for. _Before_ they unveiled it to their respective families.

With some information omitted, of course. There were just some things he didn’t want stored _anywhere_ on his home’s mainframe. Not when his children had the ability and skills to easily hack through any encryption he could come up with.

 _ **“......Oh...!”**_ The Computer indeed picked up on what he was implying. _**“Yeeaaah, that WOULD be best to keep—“**_

“Nyeh!”

The tiny purple Moose letting out their signature mechanical call so close to his ear caused the Professor to slightly jump.

 _ **“HEY—Watch your language!”**_ Haus sternly threatened. Whatever it was MiniMoose said, it had clearly been something inappropriate or rude. The irony of the situation also wasn’t lost on Membrane, given how the other tended to speak around him when they weren’t in any of their children’s presence.

Nor was the fact the cables and wires seemed to wrap themselves more fully around his bare chest again.

_**“Or do you WANT me to clean that dirty mouth of yours out with soap?”** _

“Nyeh!”

Though he still wasn’t any less lost on what they were talking about.

 _ **“Uuuugh, of course GIR already ate it all...”**_ The Computer groaned.

“Um, Haus—”

**_“I’m already reminding ZiM to pick up more on his way home from skool.”_ **

“Nyeeeeeeh!”

**_“What did I JUST say?!”_ **

“ _Haus!_ ” Membrane said with a loud clearing of his throat to garner the other’s attention. Silencing both the sentient home and space moose alike.GIR also shooshed them. Though the Professor suspected the little metal child was doing so for a different reason.“Can you _please_ put me down?”

 _ **“Oh, right,”**_ Haus’ cables shifted and lowered him carefully onto the tile flooring. _**“Sorry.”**_

“No harm done, my friend.” He assured the other, accepting his lab coat—now cleaned of the stains from earlier—as it was offered to him by one of the repaired jointed arms.

“Aaawwww,” GIR whined from the couch. “You leaving _already?!_ ”

“I am, yes.” Membrane nodded as he buttoned up and smoothed out the fabric of his coat. Attempting to seem unaffected by MiniMoose hovering just above his head like a tiny moose shaped surveillance drone. Though the little doomsday device was an entirely different beast compared to presenting in front of a crowd. “There’s work I must complete that requires my _immediate_ attention!”

“Nyeh?” MiniMoose loudly exclaimed, physically pressing themselves against the Professor’s shoulder. The contact alone making his body lock up in terror.

By PEG he probably feared this tiny purple space moose more than he did any shark or even _Santa_ at this point.

“ _Nyeeeeeh~?_ ”

“Uuuuh…”

Haus then managed to quickly snag the little menace with one of his newly repaired arms and flung them into the kitchen. The sound of multiple plates and glassware breaking following not long after.

The walls of the living room gently vibrated with a deep-set sigh at that.

“That…” Membrane was about to say how his friend’s prompt reaction hadn’t been necessary…

But he opted to instead leave it be when a security shutter suddenly dropped at the same time MiniMoose popped back into view. The tiny terror officially locked out of the living room as their muffled cries reverberated from the other side of the lockdown.

_**“That’s five dollars for the swear jar, now!”** _

“Nyeeeeh!”

**_“You want to make it six?”_ **

PEG damn it how Membrane wished he could understand what that thing was saying. His children and everyone else seemed to comprehend what its different exclamations meant.

Why was that?

Clearing his throat, the Professor began making his way towards the door. Though he didn’t get very far before GIR suddenly latched himself onto his leg, crying and screaming for him not to go.

“Robot child, please—” Membrane stood there awkwardly for a moment before attempting to peel the little SIR off his leg. “I have other responsibilities that I—”

“But House is yours responsibility!” GIR practically screeched, attempting to latch onto the Professor’s head as the Computer began pulling at him with a robot arm. Somehow the latter was having more of a hard time with the troublesome SIR than they had the sentient doomsday machine. “HOUSE!”

“Yes— _Yes!_ ” Professor Membrane attempted to calm the metal child while Haus grumbled in annoyance. “I _know!_ But—”

“HOUSE LOVEDS YOU!” The little SIR said as he started to cry and scream louder with tears streaking his smooth metal face.

“Wat?” Now he was just even more confused on what GIR was going on about. It was likely pure nonsense, as he had come to expect, but—

“HE _LOVEDS_ —”

With the tearing of fabric, the Professor was finally freed from the clutches of the sobbing robot.

 _ **“ENOUGH!”**_ Haus boomed at full volume as he tossed GIR onto the couch with enough force that his head got stuck between the cushions. _**“Sorry,”**_ he then apologized. _**“I have NO IDEA what’s gotten into him.”**_

“Well...” The Professor gave a gentle tug at the torn fabric of his collar and sighed. His face was completely exposed now. “From what I managed to gather,” he dug into his coat’s inner pocket to pull out the face mask he always kept on his person. “It seems he’s mainly concerned for your wellbeing.”

 _ **“Uh huh...”**_ Haus grumbled, seemingly unconvinced on this. _**“Sure.”**_

“S’YOU!” GIR picked up right where he left off as he managed to pop his head out of the couch. Startling Membrane in the middle of adjusting his face mask over his synthetic facial prosthetic.

Even if he was no longer sporting only a metal skull for the lower half of his face most of the time he went out, that didn’t mean he was willing to allow the public a glimpse of what he looked like behind the collar. Not while out of civilian disguise.

“GIR—” The little bot latched onto Membrane again.

“HOUSE NEEDS YOU!”

 _ **“No I DON’T!”**_ Haus asserted. _**“I’m FINE!”**_

“Ah— _yes!_ ” The Professor agreed, what it was that needed to be said and done immediately formulating in his head. “He’s _fine!_ All patched up in the areas he needed my immediate help in cleaning so he could fix himself up. As fas as I’ve been made aware of, anyway.” He glanced up towards the ceiling while holding GIR much like he did Gaz or Dib when they were toddlers. “There aren’t any other problem areas, are there?”

A muffled “Nyeeh” came from the sealed off kitchen in a sing-song voice.

 _ **“The pipes DO NOT need to be cleaned.”**_ The Computer huffed in exasperation. _**“Our plumbing is... Oh you LITTLE—”**_

The purple space moose seemed to be laughing from the confines of their makeshift kitchen prison.Meanwhile, the Professor was gently setting GIR down on the couch now that he was no longer clinging to him and screaming for him not to leave.

“So if House gets broken again...” The little SIR looked up at Membrane with wide eye-lenses, resembling an innocent and naive child more than he already did. “You’ll comes back?”

“Of course.” Professor assured as he pet the top of GIR’s head affectionately. “Our families are one of the same now. And Haus is important part of this family. Making sure he’s operating as efficiently as possible while doing what I can to further improve on his systems. Even if it’s just minor repairs.”

“Ooooooooooo...” GIR’s mouth pursed out as far as it was able. “Oki doki!”

* * *

Haus ended up having several more instances of his systems getting damaged by various foodstuffs as the week progressed.

And each time, GIR was the culprit.

For some reason or another, the little metal child had decided to try and ‘feed’ his and ZiM’s house/parent with more than several thousand times more frequency than what was previously normal for him. Membrane didn’t really know what to make of it, GIR’s sudden desire to find the Computer’s ‘mouth’ and get him to eat. And the other did nothing but claim to not know where this sudden influx of super destructive toddler behavior had come from. The only thing that Haus _did_ let on about was how much they absolutely _hated_ It.

At one point the Intelligence Brain even started angrily sobbing from all the seemingly purposeful damage the little robot was causing. And Membrane had no doubts that the frequent breaks must _hurt._

Even ZiM was beginning to grow concerned with GIR’s antics. Going so far as to threaten the bot on how if he kept up the behavior he wouldn’t be allowed home without him. and if he had to, he would forcibly take him to skool with him. At least until he stopped nearly killing the Computer every time he was left at the base.

ZiM had granted GIR one final chance to shape up his act. But said chance was thrown out the window not even an hour into the afternoon the following day.

Professor Membrane was contacted by Haus while he was working at the labs, going over paperwork and reviewing notes and formulas related to the various projects members of his staff were working on. And as usual, the other sounded pained and annoyed all at once over what he was going through.

Membrane, as usual, didn’t waste any time in heading over.

Though he hadn’t even been driving for more than a couple minutes before the Computer reached out to him through his implant connection again.

 _ **Hey, Professor...**_ The other started, sounding as though they were a hair’s width away from snapping. _**Can you do me a favor?**_

“What is it, my friend?” Membrane asked curiously. Wondering what was going on now on the Computer’s end of things as he pulled over into the parking lot of a local shop.

 _ **Pick up a bottle of alcohol on your way over**_. What? **_I can’t drink it, but YOU can, and right now I just reeeaaally need to see if that whole ‘drinking to cope with stress’ thing humans do holds any merit._**

“Did something happen?” The Professor put the car in park and switched off the ignition.

What could push the other to want to get drunk of all things?

 _ **Oh, SOMETHING happened alright.**_ Haus forced a laugh. _**I found out the reason GIR’s nearly been the literal DEATH of me all week!**_

“What do you—” Membrane was cut off as what sounded like transmission static filled his head. And then—

_“GIR, STOP! Plea—AAAAAAAH—ACK!”_

Haus’ voice, or at least a playback of it, cried out.

_“Whhhhhhyyyyy?!”_

_“So your fiancé can comes to fix you!”_

The second voice, obviously that of the little robot child, said.

_“And then you can longingly stare at each others’ eyes, and—”_

_“Gir... Are you breaking me just so Professor Membrane comes over?”_

Wait... What?

_“... Nooooooooo...”_

_“GIR...”_

_“... Okay, yes!”_

What?!

GIR was breaking Haus’ systems on _purpose?_ Just so he would visit?

And had he really called him—

 _ **He’s got it in his head that we’re engaged...**_ The Computer explained. Passive-aggressive chittering and other sounds just barely audible when they spoke. And from his tone of voice, he gave the impression of someone who would be rubbing their temples in annoyance.

If they had them.

“How did he come to that conclusion?” The Professor raised a brow, still seated behind the wheel in the parking lot. He had no intention of stepping out until they’d finished their present conversation.

 _ **Does it MATTER?**_ Haus countered, clearly nearing his limit for what he was willing to deal with. The constant breaks from GIR likely piling up on top of the pent up frustration of every other rage-inducing, patience-testing, mind baffling, system corrupting thing the little robot and his Irken brother had ever done. And all of it almost exclusively suffered in silence or with his concerns and complaints ignored.

The Professor could feel the Computer’s frustration channeling through his mind and body now as if it were his own. Though whether the other was allowing their emotions to seep through to him purposely, he didn’t know. But there was one thing he did know for certain...

The other had definitely earned that drink they were asking for.

“... Alright.” Membrane sighed, deciding to relinquish his usual stance on recreational alcohol consumption outside of social gatherings. After all, it would only be a glass or two. And it would only be this once.

 _ **Thank you.**_ Haus gave a relieved sigh as his presence faded from the Professor’s mind to its usual indetectable state. Leaving him alone with his own thoughts for the time being as he was used to.

But now he was in a bit of a predicament.

Professor Membrane looked out the driver side’s window towards the flower shop that he had pulled up to. Unsure of whether or not he should go in after all as he’d been planning initially with the new information he had on the situation. Because he was only even here due to a suggestion GIR had made to him while he’d been heading home for the night.

After his _third time_ repairing Haus’ systems that evening.

GIR had followed him outside and down the block, pulling at his leg to get his attention. Then, in what the Professor had assumed was out of innocent curiosity, the little robot child asked him about if he did gardening. But then before he could actually answer—

_“You should bring House flowers!”_

_“What?”_

_“So he can feel pretty!”_

And then the little bot had run on back home before he could ask him to elaborate further.

He assumed that GIR meant that he’d plant the other a flowerbed in their yard. And while he did indulge in lawncare, he didn’t view himself as possessing much of a green thumb with plants. So, a bouquet of flowers as a table centerpiece was the next best thing that he could offer.

As a friendly gesture, of course. Not in the way GIR had obviously been intending for him to gift said flowers.

Knowing what he did now made him a bit hesitant. While they did have dinner plans for when they finally got around to actually building the Intelligence Brain his new body, it wasn’t a date in the _romantic_ sense _._ So really…

Oh PEG damn it, he was already here anyway so he might as well.

Mind made up, he got out of his care and ventured into the little shop…

Then he proceeded to waste more than ten minutes trying to make up his mind on what sort of arrangement to get. Had this been any other time and for anyone else, he probably would have just grabbed the first aesthetically pleasing one he laid his eyes on and would have been out the door. Heck, if this had been for anyone else—his children excluded—he would have just sent someone else to do the shopping for him. But doing that just didn’t seem right because Haus was his most treasured friend.

Science, if picking _flowers_ was this difficult the Professor couldn’t imagine how hard of a time he would have with the requested _alcohol_.

He only ever took polite sips at formal events. He had no idea what would be best for a social gathering for the express purpose of getting drunk to relieve stress with a friend. Did he get beer to “crack open a cold one with the boys” as Mr. Smacky from his parenting classes put it? That hardly sounded right.

Science help him, he was really out of his element…

“Professor Membrane, right?” One of the shop’s florists suddenly appeared beside him then, snapping him out of his thoughts.

“Ah, yes.” He nodded in affirmation.

“Aha, I knew it!” The Florist clasped their hands together with sparkling eyes. Seeming to be rather proud of themselves for being able to spot a _very hard_ to miss or mistake public figure when he was standing right in front of them. “What brings you here, Professor? Shopping for someone special? A _woman_ , perhaps?”

“Ah, no, _no_.” Membrane waved off the assumption with what he hoped sounded like a polite dismissive laugh. “I’m merely looking for something to get for a dear friend of mine.”

“...For a ‘friend’?” The Florist’s gaze shifted between him and the selection of rose bouquets he hadn’t realized he’d been standing in front of till now.

“Yes, he is very important to me.” He began to explain none the less. “We recently started a project together and he is very well-spoken individual…” He rambled on for a bit longer, expressing how much he valued the other’s opinion and company before finally stopping himself. Because the Florist sure didn’t seem keen on stopping him anytime soon. “Apologies, I believe I may have rambled on longer than I meant to.”

“Oh, no worries.” The Florist assured him, though they wore a rather odd smile. An expression that the Professor wasn’t sure about the meaning of. “I have just the thing.”

* * *

A half-hour later, Membrane pulled up to the oddly shaped green house with a vase of flowers in hand a bagged bottle of wine under his arm. Both items looking extremely out of place on his person as he walked down the narrow pathway to the house’s front door.

As he walked, the Professor couldn’t help but notice the distinct lack of movement from the security garden gnomes that decorated the lawn. Normally they tended to turn and follow his movements during his, or anyone else’s, approach. But today they appeared oddly unresponsive, almost as if their functionality had been turned off.

Either the damage GIR had managed to deal this time happened to be extra extensive and hard on Haus’ systems... Or he had simply put all his unneeded instances into sleep mode to conserve power. If not having just deactivated them.

The Professor hoped it was likely the latter explanation of the two.

As he got closer to the door, he could hear the unmistakable sound of GIR crying and screaming coming from somewhere inside.

Part of the Professor suspected this was in response to whatever the Computer may have done after learning about his purposeful sabotage to his systems. Surely it wasn’t anything _that_ bad.

“Haus,” He called out as he lightly rapped his knuckles against the door. The easy to miss soft beeping of the Intelligence Brain’s systems coming online sounding. “Haus, I’m here.”

The door almost instantaneously unlocked and swung open to allow the Professor entry. Revealing the living room devoid of both GIR or MiniMoose. Yet he could still hear that distinct robotic crying coming from _somewhere_. But just when he was about to ask what was going on, the Computer beat him to the proverbial punch with his own question.

_**“What’s with the flowers?”** _

“Oh... Uh...” Membrane glanced down at the vase of multicolored roses he was carrying. An arrangement of orange, pink, lavender, and red-tipped yellow roses accented with baby’s-breath and a large silk ribbon tying them all together. “Your middle child suggested that I bring you some.”

He headed into the kitchen—long since remodeled to be toilet free—and placed the bouquet on the small dining table.

"I suspect he was thinking more along the lines of a flowerbed,” He nervously rubbed the back of his neck. “But I'm not much of a gardener aside from basic lawn-care."

The Computer was oddly silent, saying nothing in response to that revelation. The only sound the Professor heard—other than GIR’s crying—was that of some wires somewhere up above him violently sparking. Which was more than a tad concerning, to say the least.

“... Haus?”

 _ **“Ah... Aah...”**_ The other seemed to be at a complete loss for words as they both mechanically and verbally stuttered. _**“Thank you...”**_ Haus then let out the sound of clearing their throat. **_“You don’t need to listen to everything GIR tells you to do, you know,”_** They continued, slightly less inhibited and more like their regular self. _**“He's kinda—”**_

“Nonsense, my friend.” Membrane tsked, wagging a finger with his free hand. “I wouldn't have gotten you any if I didn't want to. And if I _did_ listen to everything your little robot child suggested, there would be a fifty-foot cheese monster rampaging the city...” He raised his arm over his head as he pantomimed a monster stomping around.

Then he just as quickly righted his posture.

“Plus,” He held a hand to his chin as he looked the space over. “It really does tie the room together."

Haus gave no response other than garbled noises that made the Professor look up towards the ceiling with a furrowed brow.

“Did your little one damage you that badly?” He placed a hand against the nearby wall, stroking the living machinery sympathetically.

Membrane hated seeing his friend like this.

 _ **“...YES!”**_ The Computer said quickly. _**“Yes...”**_ He said more calmly with a synthetic cough.   
_**“This time in my room.”**_

His _room?!_

Oh dear, that wasn’t good.

“How did he managed to get there without you noticing?”

 _ **“GIR is an enigma.”**_ Haus simply said.

“Speaking of...” The Professor lightly scratched the side of his face, noting that the robotic crying had suddenly gotten louder. “Where _is_ the little one, exactly?”

_**“I locked him in ZiM’s Panic Room until he’s home from skool.”** _

A monitor unfolded itself and dropped down from the mess of wires along the ceiling. The screen flickering to life and displaying four different camera feed angles. Three of which featured GIR in a rather well-accomodated space that resembled more of a bed/playroom as opposed to a ‘panic room’. And then the fourth camera seemed to display the room from the outside: a locked door with a window and the words ‘Gay Baby Jail’ graffitied over it. The paint looking to still be fresh with how it actively dripped down the alien metal. No doubt it was the work of a certain purple space moose that was still suspiciously nowhere to be seen.

“Don’t you think he’s more than a bit upset over the confinement?” Membrane asked as the monitor withdrew back up.

_**“Oh no, he’s not crying because of me locking him up.”** _

“Why _is_ he crying then?”

_**“He’s crying because I grounded him from watching TV for a week.”** _

“Ah…” Right, the little robot was addicted to watching television. The Professor had learned that fact the hard way during the time he had to babysit him while the other had been catching up on the three years of missed sleep. “But isn’t his crying a bit _—”_

_**“That’s why I asked you to bring alcohol.”** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you had to deal with GIR almost 24/7, you'd wanna get drunk too.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the smut scene free version of Chapter six.  
> The original version with the additional scene can be found here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25389997/chapters/61568521

Of all the things he never thought he’d ever do since first being activated on this planet, the Computer could officially cross “getting completely hammered” off that list.

_“GIR…Please… STOP…”_

_“Not till you tell him how you feeeeeeeel~”_

_“YOU ARE LITERALLY KILLING ME!”_

He really shouldn’t have ever said anything about dinner with Membrane to GIR. He shouldn’t have even humored the little robot about the two of them being a couple _at all_.

_“Why is my house crying?”_

_“I dunnoooo.”_

All he had gotten out of it instead of the peace and quiet he had hoped for was was different disgusting food concoctions shoved into places where food _definitely_ didn’t belong. Breaking him in more ways he hadn't thought possible that weren’t restricted to the above-ground levels of the base, the parts of him he had actually gotten used to suffering frequent breaks or outright obliteration and rebuilding from the ground up.

_“LOOK WHAT YOU DID, GIR! YOU MADE COMPUTER CRY!”_

_“I’m NOT crying!”_

_“Are too!”_

_“Am NOT!”_

_“Yes, you ARE! I can HEAR you!”_

He should have just cut his losses and dealt with the crying and screaming _then_. Because he wouldn’t have had to deal with this absolute _fuckery_ throwing off his stream schedule and everything else he'd planned.

But knowing GIR, he likely would have had to deal with this bullshit either way.

Though that didn’t mean he would have been any less seething with rage upon discovering what the SIR’s master plan had been this entire time. Haus had ended up bursting a few more wire couplings in the process too with how furious he had been. Thus causing _even more_ damage to himself.

And then there was GIR’s screaming and crying…The only way to escape it had been to put every single one of his base instances into sleep mode until Professor Membrane arrived and woke him with his registered code word: the name the man had given him.

Everyone in their combined households had a different codeword registered to their voice that would force him out of sleep mode should they call for him. And said codewords essentially narrowed down to what it was they chose to call him individually. Computer, Haus, House… Etc.

He hadn’t been expecting the man to have a bouquet of flowers, let alone _roses_ , with him when he showed up. And going to the internet over it hadn’t helped in the slightest when he discovered what each color meant.

 **Pink Roses:** Appreciation, Grace, Perfect Happiness

 **Orange Roses:** Desire, Enthusiasm, Fascination

 **Lavender Roses:** Enchantment, Love at first sight

 **Yellow Roses with Red Tips:** Falling in Love

Haus had effectively burst several more wires from how overheated he had gotten. And to think, just the other day he had so proudly told the man that he was no longer having those sorts of problems anymore…

But… _Really_ …?

Was the Profesor really lacking _that_ much social awareness that he didn’t know what the flowers he’d gotten him even meant?! Or what the act of buying someone flowers _at all_ could mean?!

Attempting to look up how someone could be so clueless brought up an apt term and description that Haus felt fit the Professor to a T.

 **Himbo:** Generally, a large (broad, tall, or buff) attractive man, who tends to be not very bright, but usually extremely nice and respectful.

Level of intelligence and World’s Man of Science title aside, Professor Membrane was a himbo through and through.

And somehow knowing this didn’t make things any easier for the Computer’s frying systems.

Ugh…

Thankfully, the Professor believed even that to all to have been the fault of GIR and didn’t press for any more details. Instead, he just immediately got to work in cleaning and fixing him up. A process that ended up taking several hours, long enough that they were still at it by the time ZiM and Dib were let out from skool and forcibly dragged the still crying GIR with him to the Membrane household.GIR would effectively be held there for the entirety of the night.

Which meant there was finally some peace and quiet at the base. And it would stay that way for the remainder of the night.

Which was how they—the Professor _and_ Haus—were able to find the time for this latest experiment around 10:30 pm. The Computer claiming when ZiM and the Membrane siblings asked about their father heading over so late that it was to do some overnight monitoring of his systems.

Which wasn’t _exactly_ a lie.

There _would_ be monitoring involved.

Just not of _his_ systems.

The man in question was currently seated on the platform above the out of wires, leaned against the central conduit that housed Haus’ brain. And just like the last time he had been in the room, a connection cable linked them both together in body in mind.

Only this time emergency power mode hadn’t been initiated.

After getting comfortable, the Professor popped open the bottle he’d purchased for the occasion. A brand that he said had been recommended to him by the Florist he had purchased the roses from. Birthday Cake Vineyards Cheesecake White Wine Specialty—Alcohol Content: 11%

But it was only _after_ the man had poured that the Computer recalled an important fact from his combined internet access and databases.

Opioids, like what Professor Membrane regularly took for his chronic pain, were _not_ to be mixed with alcohol...

 _ **Oh, wait, shit—**_ Haus had exclaimed suddenly just as Membrane had finished filling his glass and raised it up. And at their sudden expression of concern, the Professor stopped to raise a brow and head turned to cast a glance towards the Intelligence Brain. _**You’re not supposed to drink with the prescriptions you’re taking!**_

The Professor was quiet for a moment before lightly chuckling.

“It’s perfectly alright, my friend!” He said while swirling his wine around in its glass. “My last dose was _hours_ ago.”

 _ **But—**_ Haus tried to argue, unable to help the feeling of guilt plaguing him now for pressuring the Professor into indulging in his selfish request.

Why had he even thought this was a good idea in the first place?!

He could have just asked Membrane to increase the power voltage flowing into his circuits so he could have himself an _electrical high_ instead!

 _ **Mixing alcohol with opioids like your prescription oxycontin or any other depressant can enhance the influence of both and result in a multitude of side effects.** _Haus began reading from multiple different health and addiction drug center pages. _**Nausea and vomiting, dehydration, changes in blood pressure, irregular heart rate—**_

“Cardiovascular instability, dizziness or loss of coordination,” Membrane continued to list off in his place. “Marked disinhibition, abnormal behavior, loss of consciousness, respiratory arrest, coma.” He gave a wave of his hand as if to dismiss all of what he said and not seeming the least bit bothered. “I’m more than aware of the theoretical possibilities.”

The Professor suddenly reached over with his free hand to affectionately caressing the Computer’s dome, fingers tracing the shape of their brain along the singular surface that prevented direct contact.

“The risks associated with a glass or two are minimal and perfectly acceptable.” He continued after a quiet moment. “Because as I said, my last dose was several hours ago.” He gave a soft smile that made something in Haus jitter and stall. “But I do appreciate how much concern you show towards my well being.”

Well… the Computer didn’t feel nearly as bad as he had moments ago. But it was probably best to provide the man with an out as he had last time. Especially since his readings indicated he was more than a tad nervous and hesitant. More than he had been when he’d come down here to jerk it over him.

 _**Do you even WANT to get drunk?** _

“No.” Membrane admitted with a slight shrug. “Never had the desire to. But you asked to see what it’s like, Haus.” He set his glass down momentarily so he could more effectively turn his torso to cross his arms atop the console. “And I would also be lying if I said I wasn’t the least bit _curious how_ the effects of intoxication would carry over to you.”

His previously gentle smile became more suggestive.

“It’s quite a different beast to the last shared experience we had here.” The Professor lightly stroked the bobble atop the Computer’s dome. “Will you be able to handle it, or will you completely _unravel_ just as you did when I last had you at my mercy?”

Oh this smug fucking _bastard_.

“There are quite a lot of variables to consider and a lot of possible outcomes.”

 _ **I’m more curious about what kind of drunk the WORLD-FAMOUS Man of Science is.**_ Haus retaliated, starting to unconsciously purr and chitter.

Crush or no crush, he wasn’t about to become nothing but a mess burst and overheated wires at every one of the Professor’s words. Not when he still oh-so-much enjoyed reducing HIM to a similar state.

 _ **Happy? Sloppy? Sentimental? Violent? Infantile? Broken? Touchy-Feelsy? Manic? ... NAKED?**_ They internally grinned when Membrane’s face went completely flush at that last one. _**Which do you hypothesize you’ll most likely be?**_

“Unfortunately, without enough data,” The Professor shifted and reached to pick back up his wine glass. “The only way to know for certain is to drink and find out.”

With that, he raised the glass to his face to take in the liquid’s aroma and gauging whether or not its flavor would match up to its claim on scent alone before taking a large sip. The man ended up making a face and coughing a bit after forcing himself to swallow it all down.

“That isn’t—” The Professor coughed once more and lightly pounded a hand against his chest as if to clear his throat. His tongue sticking itself out of his mouth every so often as he gagged, trying to get the taste out of his mouth. “That isn’t anything AT ALL like cheesecake!”

Haus would have laughed if he wasn’t also feeling the same repulsion towards the drink. From the way Professor Membrane’s tastebuds perceived it, it was absolutely _DISGUSTING_.

And yet the man was going in for _another_ sip regardless.

 _**Why are you still drinking it?!** _

“Because my disgust may just be due to being unaccustomed to drinking.” The Professor took another, smaller, swig from the glass and swished the liquid around for a few seconds before gulping it down. Once again looking as if the beverage had offended his mother as he was stuck dealing with the taste in his mouth.

Though the Computer had to admit, it wasn’t as bad the second time around. And by the fourth hit they had both become numb to the lingering awful aftertaste.

“Well, now that I’m used to it,” the Professor started as he finished off the glass, The Computer already able to feel what his research indicated was a ‘buzz’ building in him. “It does _vaguely_ taste like cheesecake.”

 _ **Why did you even choose this flavor, anyway?**_ Haus questioned, beginning to feel much more relaxed alongside the Professor as he poured himself a second glass. This one a tad fuller than the last that it was almost topped off at the brim.

“Because of how much of a frenzy your boy seems to go into whenever Cynthia brings over some of her homemade cheesecake.” Membrane then downed about a fourth of the second glass. Having no difficulty with the flavor or keeping it down at this point. “I came to the conclusion it was possibly because it tasted similar to something your species considered as a delicacy.”

 _ **Well, I wouldn’t know since I can only perceive its taste through YOUR tastebuds rather than that of an Irken.**_ The Computer stated outright and with a light laugh. _**Though I think the actual reason he enjoys it is because certain fermentations of your planet’s dairy products have the same effect on Irken biology that this drink is currently having.**_

At that, the Professor sputtered and choked. But he managed to clear his throat and was fine by the time Haus had called forth a robotic limb to assist if need be. The man pushing up his goggles to wipe away the pinpricks of tears in his eyes.

“I’ve been getting your boy _drunk_ all this time?!” Membrane turned to look directly at the encased Intelligence Brain with wide eyes as they just laughed at him.

 _ **Dude, I’m kidding, I’m KIDDING.**_ Haus continued to snicker and a relieved look washed over the Professor. _**Probably.**_ And there was that adorable look of embarrassment mixed with dawning horror again. _**Anyway, in terms of Irken delicacies...**_

He took a moment to give it some thought. The effects of the Professor’s growing intoxication being reflected in his connected and main instance slowing his processes just a bit. A couple of glasses seemed to be more than enough to get Membrane good and drunk.

 _ **I believe things like donuts, pastries, and cakes would be the closest equivalent.**_ They thought on it a bit more deeply, looking into memory files normally left untouched and ignored. _**I think...**_ What was it that he liked again? _**Donuts were my favorite... As well as ZiM’s at one point...**_

“’Donuts’… R _eally?_ ” Membrane gave an amused laugh as he returned to nursing his glass. Which, by now was already half-empty despite the man’s stance on alcohol as well as his previous reactions. “I should pick some up as treat for your boy on my way home tomorrow morning th—”

_**NO!** _

Professor Membrane jolted and nearly spilled his drink at the near aggressive response the Computer gave.

_**No! Do NOT give ZiM donuts!** _

“... I planned on getting you some as well...?” The Man looked at the Intelligence Brain as he slowly blinked in confusion. And Haus couldn’t blame him for such a look, given how contradictory his reaction had been to his prior statements.

There was just a secondary bit of information he was lacking.

“Once we’ve actually—” The Professor rubbed at one of his eyes. “Once we’ve finished designing and constructing your body, of course. If... If it’s the nostalgia factor and wanting to wait to have them together that’s causing you to have such a hostile reaction. Which I’m assuming is... _Normal_ Irken behavior?”

Haus wanted to tell the man how that wasn’t it at all, but opted to remain silent and let him continue rambling. Because he could honestly listen to the man go on and on about anything when he did so with such genuine love and joy. It made him momentarily forget what he had been previously upset over.

Membrane had started delving into possible design specifications for the tastebuds that his constructed body would have. And how, in order for it to function accurately like the rest of it, they would need to base how it was constructed around Computer’s Intelligence Brain conduit and actual Irken biological nerve endings. Not just for tasting, but everything else too. How his brain, accustomed to the conduit’s manipulation of his brain to interpret it as his core nervous system, would have to have his brain’s signals converted back to function with a new “conduit’s” nerves.

 _ **You... You lost me there, Professor...**_ Haus finally interrupted as their comprehension of everything the Professor had been spouting suddenly stopped making sense.

“... Oh... I did...?” The Professor, curled at an odd angle over and around the control panel and the Computer’s brain, halted the pantomiming he was doing with his hands. On the floor by his feet sat a now empty wine glass. “Where did I lose—what’s confusing...?”

 _ **The... Uh... Uuuuuh...**_ Oh fuck, thinking clearly while this instance of himself was inebriated was difficult. But, it wasn’t too bad at least. Feeling his processing speed become so slowed actually felt relaxing. Even if everything was a bit muddled.

 _ **The body’s material!**_ He exclaimed as he managed to recall his train of thought. _**What were you thinking of making it with? You haven’t told me.**_

“I thought you knew from your previous mind reading.” Membrane admitted while absentmindedly petting the dome encasing the Computer’s brain again. A sensation he could feel but not in the way the Professor or anyone else would perceive it.

 _ **... No...?**_ He didn’t recall having ever come across anything beyond what the Professor had been planning for what would be at the operational core. But then again, Haus felt like his mind was some kind of online video endlessly buffering, playing for a few moments, and then buffering again due to poor internet connection.

“Ah, apologies then,” Membrane lightly laughed as he let himself slide back down to sitting leaned against the console. “I had assumed you had checked in on my progress at one point.” He reached for his empty glass and brought it to his lips. Only to appear surprised upon finding it empty. “Despite my not having had time to make much headway while helping you deal with your child’s messes in my off time.”

As he spoke, the Professor had begun making a grab for the wine bottle with the intent of pouring himself another glass.

 _ **Nope.**_ The Computer quickly took control of the Professor’s body to force his arm back down. _**Nuh-uh.**_ While the man just gawked in confusion, they took hold of the bottle with a cable limb and hoisted it away to put in storage. _**You’ve already had two glasses.**_

“Have I?” Membrane chuckled and began slowly falling forward.

 _ **Yep.**_ Haus affirmed with a laugh of his own while helping the man right himself. Influencing his movements resulting in the beating of his heart to quicken. _ **If that had been beer, I‘d be laughing over how much of a fucking lightweight you are.**_

“As if I would ever drink something as unrefined as beer.” The Professor scoffed as he set down the now pointless wine glass and moved to unplug himself from the conduit. Unsteadily getting up onto his feet as he continued his miniature tirade. “It’s nothing but a watered-down product for companies to shovel onto the public masses in bulk.”

 _ **And the staple drink of less intelligent individuals?**_ Haus snickered. _ **Like Mr. Smackey?**_

“ _Yes._ ” Membrane nodded as he began pacing along the platform above the pit of cables and wires. “They willingly drink this stuff when these corporations are essentially just selling them...” He snapped his fingers as he tried to think of the right words to use as a descriptor.

_**Piss water?** _

“Yes!” The Professor spun around to point towards the Intelligence Brain a bit too quickly and began to lose his balance even with his leg braces.

The Computer was quick to catch the laughing man with their cable arms to keep him upright. Unable to help but laugh themselves with how infectious Professor’s was.

“Ah, but...” Membrane wiped a tear from his eyes while one hand gripped at the cable supporting him. “That wasn’t what we were talking about, was it? What was it?” He lightly slapped himself in the face to try and force himself to remember. “Aha! Donuts! We were talking about donuts!”

 _ **Let’s NOT.**_ Haus suggested, no longer laughing and remembering just why he had been upset now.

“Hm?” Membrane just blinked and then squinted in confusion. He’d long since forgotten about his goggles that were still pushed up onto his forehead.

 _ **I'd rather you explain a bit more what you were saying before. About, uh...**_ Haus said in an attempt to keep the conversation topic away from donuts and the Tallest. Least he end up violently raging to the point it killed the feel-good-drunken-mood they’d been building up till now. _**About my mechanical nervous system?**_

“... Oh!” The Professor visibly perked up at that. “Yes, I was saying that we have to record which parts of your brain light up when controlling any part of the base compared to that of your boy child.” He explained, talking with his hands as usual and then pointing towards himself. “And then cross-referencing what lights up when you influence _my_ movements.”

 _ **Like this?**_ Haus lifted Membrane up with the limb still wrapped around him, making the man laugh.

“ _Nooo!_ ” He shook his head as he continued laughing, even after he was flipped upside-down. “Like when you— _whoa!_ ” He clutched at the cable as the Computer flipped him upright again. “Like that time you walked me to bed!”

 _ **Ooooooohhhhh.**_ Haus set him down on his feet, unwinding the cable once he was sure he was steady and balanced. _**You mean when I turn you into a PUPPET.**_

At that he made the Professor stick his arms out and begin walking around the ring surrounding the open wire pit. Though he did so even more unsteadily and with even less coordination than he had the time the other had been referencing.

“Yes! Exactly!” Membrane continued to laugh as though thoroughly amused. Even as his heart rate and body temperature continued to rise, betraying the additional effects that having his body manipulated without his input had on him.

Intoxication aside, his readings were practically _identical_ to the last time he’d been down here.

“We’ll have to examine several instances pulled from your memory files for comparison.” The Professor continued, still sounding absolutely giddy and carefree even when the Computer was literally causing him to teeter over the edge of the wire pit. “Though, haha, it would probably be for the better to use data from when we’re sobered up rather than— _Aaah!_ ”

Under Haus’ control, one of Membrane’s legs slipped out from under him as he lost his balance entirely. His arms pinwheeling in an effort from them both to keep him from falling only for him to tumble into the pit regardless. Though before he could fall that far he was caught by many of the cables that raised and repositioned themselves to cushion his landing.

“ _Aha!”_ The Professor exclaimed with delight as he was lowered down into the bed of wires. Appearing not at all concerned over how he could have injured himself just now and instead clapped in appraisal. “Well done, my friend! I could have certainly broken my neck!”

 _ **Oh my god, you really are a fucking himbo.**_ Haus said with light chittering and other accompanying mannerisms of endearment as the looser cables shifted around the man. Suddenly overcome with the desire to hold and touch him in every which way possible.

They ended up talking for what felt like several hours.

The topic of conversation shifting and changing more times than either of them could recall. They’ll be talking about one thing one minute, and then the next they’ll be talking about something else entirely. And at some point between topics, the Professor went from lying in the pit, to sitting leaned against his conduit again, to hanging on a collection of wires grouped together to form a hammock somewhere near the ceiling.

The Computer would have to get him down from there at some point so he could sleep. The Professor's children back home—as well as ZiM, GIR, and MiniMoose—had long since gone to bed by now, so it was only a matter of time. It was already well past midnight at this point, so usher him up the elevator and onto the couch in the living room seemed like the best preparation move. Since, after all, the base didn’t exactly have a bed big enough to hold a human male of his size.

Though...

Now that the thought had been had, it _was_ something that could be easily fabricated. And it wasn't like there was any lack of available rooms in the base after the long-overdue ‘spring cleaning’ of failed/abandoned invasion projects and materials. Quite a few had been left empty and unpowered while he was in the process of deconstructing them fully one by one in a queue.

Remodeling and repositioning one room conduit to be directly adjacent to the Intelligence Brain room of the base would be relatively easy. Something the Computer could do in under twenty minutes.

Explaining how they could do this, but not repair their own food assaulted circuitry and systems as efficiently without the Professor’s help was also easy. Creating something new or repurposing something existing didn’t require as much processing power compared to delicate reconstruction or repairs. But there was also a second reason that the Computer would never openly admit to. And it wasn’t because he just didn’t want to dedicate the resources to fix himself.

After _years_ spent having his operational needs and repairs neglected. Years spent caring and looking after the whole household and its members before ZiM realized almost too late the importance he had in their family of misfits...

The Computer just liked being the one taken care of for once.

He still performed his regular duties as well as his recently accumulated new ones perfectly. So was that _really_ a bad thing? For him to just enjoy being looked after for once as an entity whose _job_ was to be the one that looked after, manage, and cared for its 'master' and their home?

Haus didn't think so.

And the Professor always took _such_ good care of him...

By the time the room was nearing completion, the Computer had been going off on a tangent on all the stupid things ZiM had caused him to deal with during their time on Earth. Ranting and raving for what was probably ten minutes. Stuff that they both had likely had discussions over many times before but that hardly mattered.

The shittily programed security protocols that kept him from doing his job.

The time ZiM had literally come home covered in shit and had gotten the living room covered in it.

How he was forced to deal with paying taxes and a whole bunch of other human legal paperwork the little Irken wouldn’t bother with in order to avoid detection.

Constant phone call complaints from the skool and neighbors.

 _KEEF_.

GIR’s constant food messes.

And so many other things that had driven Haus absolutely _crazy_.

Including how ZiM had outright refused to allow him to upload an instance of himself into the roboparents for his first parent-teacher night. Because so much trouble could have been avoided if he had just—

“ _Aha!_ ” The Professor exclaimed as he dramatically pointed from his perch to the Intelligence brain below. “So you _did_ consider operating a body before I ever suggested it!”

 _ **Only cause of Miss. Bitters!**_ Haus argued. _**She’s TERRIFYING, man! You should know! You’ve actually met her IN PERSON! I’ve only had PHONE CALLS with her!**_ The cables and wires supporting the Professor began to shudder in time with his fear. _**I thought if I didn’t show up to the damned thing specifically to present my ‘crotch gremlin’ as she called him, we would have—**_

While Haus was effectively pouring his heart out about his fears, Professor Membrane was busy struggling to hold in his laughter. The man physically pressing a hand over his mouth to contain himself. Though he ended up bursting into a fit of laughter all the same.

_**It’s not funny!** _

“No, no, it’s not that...!” Membrane tried to contain himself. “The ‘crotch gremlin’ comment,” He wiped away a tear from his eye as he turned over, nearly falling from his makeshift hammock before catching himself. “You don’t have a crotch so I’m just— _haha_ —I’m just picturing your boy being shot out in a capsule from the bottom end of your conduit like a coin-operated prize machine!”

The man continued to laugh and after a while Haus joined him in his laughter. Deciding that now was a good a time as any to use a robotic arm to lower him back to the platform ring below.

 _ **That IS how Irken smeets are born though!**_ He exclaimed, the irony of how the Professor’s drunken imaginings were relatively close to the actual smeet birthing process not lost on him. _**I’m just not a Mr. Plug!**_

“A ‘Mr. Plug’?” The Professor sniggered lightly as he was set down on his feet. Then his laughter suddenly halted. “Wait—Your young really _do_ just pop out from a machine?”

_**Yeah, pretty much.** _

A hovering monitor descended in front of the Professor with a sketchily drawn detailing of what went on in the smeeteries. All the while a cable arm pulled the drunken man along the platform ring over to a doorway that hadn’t existed several hours earlier.

 _ **So, the simple version is like this: Irken smeets—eh, BABIES, are grown in these things that are called incubation plugs.**_ The display visuals zoomed in on what the Computer had seemed to literally just drawn up. _**They’re stored in the insulation hall, screwed into holes into the wall with the threaded tips. And on the outer facing end of the plug, there’s this indicator face that shows the development stage of the occupying smeet.**_

The plug visual rotated and duplicated to show two different faces labeled as ‘not done’ and ‘READY’. The Professor, still with his goggles pushed atop of his head instead of pulled down where they would actually be useful, staring and listening with great interest.

 _**The ‘sleeping’ face is for when the baby is still developing** _ **_—_ **

“And then they show a big happy smile when the little one’s ready to come out!” Membrane finished, looking to be entirely enraptured by what was just a standard and well-known process to any Irken. In fact, he looked just as excited as ZiM did whenever he discovered a new Urth candy that he liked.

 _ **Yeah!**_ Haus confirmed as he switched out the visuals. _**Anyway, a Mr. Plug is this Intelligence Brain powered cyborg-eyeball-thing covered in like…** _The visual zoomed in close. _**A whole lot of creepy camera eyes—**_

“Like yours?”

 _ **… Shut up.**_ The image zoomed back out. _ **Mr. Plug floats through the insulation hall using these eyes to keep watch for smiley faces to see which plugs are in need of pulling out with his robot arms for cracking.**_

“Wait, cracking…?” Membrane stumbled a bit once he was stopped in front of the door.

 _ **Oh, right, forgot a step.**_ Haus quickly backtracked through his visuals. _**The incubation plugs have this cracking hinge so they can be cracked open like an egg when the baby is ready to get born.**_ The screen focused on this hinge closely. _**Which brings us back to Mr. Plug. He pulls them out, cracks it open, and SPOOP** — **future idiot pops out!**_

The Professor broke out into another fit of laughter, arms wrapped around his stomach as he leaned back against the door. There was no way of doubting how much he was just absolutely loving this brief drunken lesson on Irken ‘reproduction’.

“‘Future idiot’...!” He continued to chuckle as the monitor the Computer had been using retreated to its location in the wall that they had gotten it from. “ _Aha_... but _—_ ” His expression became a bit more contemplative. “Isn’t calling your own son an ‘idiot’ a bit harsh?”

 _ **He IS an idiot though!**_ Haus exclaimed, too drunk to argue the impossibility of he and ZiM being biologically related like he had many times before. Especially since he already had earlier tonight during his rave _—_

MEMORY FILE RETRIEVED

Oh _come on_ , now wasn’t the time for _—_

_“There's really nothing similar to a dad or parent in Irken society...”_

Stop. STOP IT.

Focus on the _current_ conversation, not one you literally just had _twenty minutes ago!_

 _ **And not just that: he’s just outright CRAZY and stupid!**_ The Computer said in real-time. Or what he _hoped_ was real-time.

_“Even if there was, I am certain ZiM and I aren’t even made up of the same genetic materials. We were likely created over 200 generational batches apart…"  
_

UUuuuughhh…!

 _ **Sure, he figured out how to effectively install me so I wouldn’t kill him at startup.**_ He went on. _**But he did it in a way that was more damaging than beneficial because he wasn’t thinking of the longterm consequences of removing my sleep mode!**_

_“I can't even remember who the current Tallest was at the time of my culling!”_

Whhhhyyyyy....?

 _“I'm… You lost me on some of that but_ _—I’m sure you are aware you don't need to be biologically related in order to be a parent, my friend.”_

 _**And while that in itself did kind of prove his technological prowess—** _

_“Humans and even other native Earth species will often take in and raise the offspring of another they have no relation to.”_

_**He hardly knows how to properly utilize those skills!** _

_"Okay, good point..."_

_Finally_ , the memory recall was over.

His brain had been starting to hurt with how confused this instance was getting.

_**He dedicated himself to learning things just for the sake of learning. But even now he still doesn’t know what to actually DO with that knowledge! Not without proper encouragement in the right direction first. Most of the things he even bothered with learning weren’t even useful in an invasion plan to begin with!** _

Haus sighed and the lights of the room flickered with his simulated breath.

 _ **But… The fact he did spend as much time as he did learning while trying to invade this planet is something I find admirable as a unit for collecting and storing information.** _He admitted softly. _**Most Irkens simply don’t bother being as thorough and focus more on the actual act of invasion and eradication. But ZiM is insatiably curious and shows incredible ingenuity with his ideas even if 95% of them never turn out the way he usually hopes they will.**_

“You should tell him!” Membrane, who had been silently listening to him ramble, suddenly chimed with a laugh.

 _**What?!** _

“Tell your boy child what you think!” The man held his hands out as if urging him to do so right this moment, looking downright adorable.

How was it even possible for a man like the Professor to look and act even cuter than he already did behind closed doors?

“Tell him how unique an individual he is compared to the rest of his peers!” He clenched his hands as he looked up at the location he knew the nearest room camera was with sparkling eyes. “That you’re _proud_ of his scientific curiosity and pursuit of knowledge even if the information isn’t applicable to any of his life’s tasks!”

 _ **Nooooo...**_ Haus practically whined. _**Not that I don't wanna...**_ Plus if he told him he was proud of him it would just go to his head. _**It's just...**_

“Embarrassing?” The Professor finished with a light chuckle as he leaned back against the door again. “I know, I'm aware of how it is. But,” He gave a shrug. “If you don't let your child know, he'll never know, ya know?”

_**Hmm…** _

“At the very least, once we’ve finished building you your body you should tell him.” He then added on.

At that moment the Professor had also begun leaning further against the door and accidentally hitting the manual control keypad. The door then sliding open and sending him tumbling to the floor with a brief exclamation of shock.

 _ **Smooth move, Professor.**_ Haus sniggered as the man scrambled to sit upright. Playing off the fact that they had also felt the impact of that shortfall.

“... Was that door always there?” Membrane squinted and gave the door a dubious once over from his spot on the floor. Then going limp when he was lifted up by one if the Computer’s robot arms

 _ **Yep.**_ Haus lied while unceremoniously dropping the man onto the freshly fabricated bed. _**Always been there.**_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter basically: Drunk Irken History/Reproduction with Computer  
> Also, that entire process is canon.  
> Not even kidding, the description (as well as the images described) are straight out of the IZ Artbook on how smeets are born.  
> "Future idiot pops out" line included.  
> https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/708391700493500545/753040272971268146/unknown.png  
> https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/708391700493500545/753040557936476190/b41c35913a8dcd1ebe73f7a23c867e98f15347ba.png


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Took me a bit but I got the motivation to write again!

When the Professor woke the next morning, it took him a lot longer than he would have ever liked to admit to _actually_ wake up. He was conscious, that was for certain, but he struggled to open his eyes like he would if he’d been under the effects of anesthesia.

Which he obviously wasn’t.

Even without that added struggle, it felt like he were in a boat swaying with the tides. The sensation stirred a feeling of déjà vu within the Professor. The sensation reminding him of the many times he‘d taken a rest amongst Haus’ cables and wires while performing maintenance on him.

Had he fallen asleep in them?

No... No, he wasn’t really swaying...

That was just the effect of his hangover...

The surface beneath him didn’t match up at all with how the Computer’s metal fixtures felt.

In fact, what he was lying on right now was rather... Soft.

Incredibly soft and comfortable. Moreso than his mattress back home even, the idea of getting up seeming less and less appealing the longer he was conscious.

But he had to get up.

Eventually.

That, Membrane knew. If not because he needed to head home, it was because of the combined migraine and nausea he was experiencing. An already unsavory combination that was made worse with a familiar pain flaring up his spine.

He was also still wholly confused by the prospect of currently lying in a bed.

Last he recalled Haus didn’t have any bedding large enough for someone of his stature.

“I made some renovations.”

The familiar booming voice of Haus spoke up then. And while under normal circumstances, his volume wouldn’t have been a problem...

“Haus, please...” The Professor’s hands tightly gripped his head as the pounding in his skull increased. His migraine’s intensity strongly resonating with every little sound. “Not so loud.”

“Sorry,” The other quickly apologized. “I’ll... Yeah, I’ll... Be quieter...” How he spoke strongly indicating he was also on the receiving end of a hangover.

And that was because he was.

It took only a few seconds for the Professor to recall that fact as—

_**“ACTIVATING WHISPERING MO—ACK!”** _

Professor Membrane let out a shout of his own as he curled in on himself. Practically crushing his own head between his hands as it painfully throbbed with such force. But his skull felt like it would just split in half completely if he didn’t.

It felt like ages before the pain finally subsided enough for the Professor to dare shift his position. The entirety of the house deathly quiet outside the persistent hum of machinery.

“Why...” Membrane finally spoke up as he tried to push himself up onto his knees. A feat that took increasingly more effort than was normal. “Why did you shout that...? Despite all the scientific data...”

 **_I thought it would be funny..._** the Computer lightly whimpered within his mind. But even _that_ manner of communication still seemed far too loud. Forcing him to quiet himself further. _**Miscalculations were made...**_

“Oh, _were_ they?!” the Professor chided through his passive-aggressive use of sarcasm. Groaning and hissing through his teeth when just the slight raising of his own voice agitated his migraine further. “Just... Please don’t do that again, Haus.”

_**I won’t, trust me.** _

Haus said in that soft but pained voice again.

_**The feedback on my end was so intense I practically shorted out again.** _

He groaned.

_**This feels like hell...** _

“And this is why I’d never willingly gotten drunk before...” With increased apprehension, the Professor finally managed to force open his eyes to take in his surroundings. Letting out a breath of relief at how the room seemed to lack any lighting beyond a pulsating soft pink glow.

_Thank science for that._

**_Sorry for being such a mess._**  
  
Haus spoke up again while Membrane continued to examine the room he found himself in. Though… It was less of a room and more of an enclosed space that just happened to have a bed among all the loose wires and cables strewn about.  
  
 _ **I was more focused on making a passable bed out of... Out of the entire bedroom making process...**_ Haus almost seemed embarrassed as he took in the appearance of the room himself through the Professor’s eyes. Likely for the first time even. _**But I feel I have to say… It REALLY hadn’t seemed THAT bad at the time.**_

Membrane couldn’t help but lightly chuckle at that.

“It’s perfectly alright, my friend.” He said as he allowed himself to lie back down onto the soft mattress. Doing his best to ignore how his back felt as though it were on fire. “I’m sure by the time we’ve finished constructing your body, and you will have turned this into a bedroom, my own son would be envious of.”

_**... Huh?** _

If the Computer had eyes, the Professor imagined he would have likely been blinking them at him in confusion.

“ _Surely_ you didn’t make this bed for my comfort alone?” Membrane palmed at the silky sheets beneath him. “After all, you will also need a place for your nee corporeal form to rest.”

_**...Oh! Yes... Yes, you’re right.** _

Haus agreed.

_**But... I’m pretty sure we’ll have... OTHER uses for it too.** _

“Other uses?”

What other uses could...

_Oh...!_

Haus wanted them to—

“ _Yes_...!” The Professor coughed as if to clear his throat. The action slightly aggravating his migraine, but no more than talking did. “Yes, we... We certainly will, won’t we?”

He forced a cough again, feeling incredibly flustered suddenly from the brief imagery his mind had fabricated at the prospect. Now just _wasn’t the time_ to be having those sorts of thoughts.

“But there’s still _quite a bit_ for us to do before we get to that point...!” Membrane hissed under his breath as he held a hand to his forehead. Cursing himself for letting himself get worked up so easily.

 _ **I'd make some tea or something to help, but...**_ Haus gently pushed aside the Professor’s hand to press the colder metal of his own to his head instead. _**GIR pretty much cleaned out the fridge this week... And ZiM is always forgetful when it comes to remembering to get groceries.**_

“I’ll be sure to tell Dib to go with him to restock sometime today.” Membrane lightly sighed, loosely grasping the metal appendage that was currently ‘icing’ his head. Closing his eyes and pressing it more firmly against him as the clawed fingers wove themselves into his hair.

_**I already told them, actually. They’re heading out right now.** _

“So early...?” The Professor furrowed his brow lightly. “Wait... Is it early? What time is it...?”

_**Eleven-thirty-two a.m...** _

“Eleven?!” The Professor shot up at that and instantly regretted the action as the pain in his head intensified. Silently cursing as he was forced back down into a lying position by multiple cables arms while Haus groaned along with him.

**_Don’t try getting up just yet. PLEASE._ **

Haus asserted,

**_I may not be able to brew or cook up anything for you..._ **

A pause while the Professor threw one of his arms over his eyes.

 **_  
_** **_But I CAN chemically synthesize something for mild pain relief that won’t negatively interact with your current medications._ **

“ _Oh_?” Membrane lowered his arm slightly as he cocked a brow upwards towards the ceiling.

 ******_It should last you long enough to get home and have some breakfast... So long as you don’t make another flower buying detour._ **

That drew out a subdued hearty laugh from the Professor. ** _  
_**  
“Perhaps not _today_ , but I’ll certainly get you some more another time.” He said as he tried to push himself up once more. Raising his arms instinctively when he felt his lab coat being pulled up and over his head by multiple mechanical arms.

As he did, he was just faintly able to detect the sound of verbal stuttering resonating in his head from the Computer over the sound of the surrounding machinery.

 ** _I’m going to need you to lie on your stomach for a bit._** Haus said after what sounded like coughing and him clearing his nonexistent throat. **_I can’t properly administer the painkiller otherwise._**

The Professor nodded and complied without a word. Folding his arms under his chin as he felt a multitude of different tools removing and detaching his prosthesis harness with quick and careful precision. And with each disconnected segment of the harness, his arm prostheses' control, and his sense of feeling, went with them.

“Haus, if I may ask...” He started with a grunt during the process. Even though the arms were moving quickly and efficiently in removing the harness piece by piece, it was still a process that took more than a few seconds.

Nearly a minute had passed by the time those remaining were plucked from his spine.

**_Yes...?_ **

“Could you tell me what happened last night? After...” The Professor struggled to think of just when it was his memory of the night had started turning foggy. “After...”

**_After I gave you that drunk biology lesson on how Irken smeets were made?_ **

“Yes! _Yes_.” He could recall the specifics of that conversation pretty well. However, he was still missing some fragments from before that exchange as well. “After that very _informative_ lesson of yours. I can’t seem to remember anything that happened afterward. How I ended up in this bed, which you fabricated, for example.”

 ** _Oh, I just threw you onto it after leaning against the door caused you to fall flat on your ass._** Haus said in an as-a-matter-of-fact tone crossed with light snickering.

“Did I _really?_ ” Membrane asked, chuckling again as he imagined how silly he must have looked based on what he had a recollection of.

 ** _Yep._** Haus asserted as he began pricking the areas surrounding the connection ports of the Professor’s spine and at the base of his neck. **_And then, in response to my earlier ranting about ZiM, you started talking about how much of a handful raising your own kids had been._** The needles stuck into the Professor's back began injecting the medication into his system. **_But even despite that, you wouldn’t trade it for the world._**

“Ah...” Membrane let out a relieved sigh as the pain in his back began to subside. Leaving only the migraine pangs and nausea for him to deal with. “I believe I do remember that...”

He did indeed remember that conversation now that the other had brought it up.

And not only that...

_“Why didn't you just.... Take parental leave?”_

_“What?”_

_“It's a common practice for mothers, but even single fathers have been known to do it to enrich a child's developmental years... And you had very good standing... In a Company YOU founded..._ ”

He remembered just how much he’d felt like a complete _idiot_.

_“You could have worked from home and just gave your ‘yes’ or ‘no’ seal on ideas thrown at you and devote more time to your child's development.”_

_“...”_

_“Wait... Did you... Did you seriously never think of that?!”_

Really, how could he not have realized he could have done something so simple?!

_“No, Professor, don’t—I'm sorry, that was uncalled for! I mean... you did the best you could...!”_

But had he really?

Had he really done the best with how things had turned out in the end?

How it had taken losing his arms for him to—

 ** _Hey! HEY!_** **_Stop that!_**

Haus suddenly began shouting in his mind, pulling him from his impending depressive spiral and aggravating his migraine all at the same time.

 ** _Fuck—_** The other cursed as he lowered his voice back down to a level that wouldn’t worsen the effects of their shared hangover. Softly whimpering like an injured animal. **_Ow..._**

“You needn’t force yourself to share in my suffering, my friend.” Membrane said, remembering that his friend didn’t _have_ to experience what he was going through with his ability to ‘mute’ the feedback he was getting through their neural link.

 _ **Yeah, but I would be a pretty shitty friend with a horrible bedside manner if I didn’t tag along in this.**_ Haus stated as one of his cable arms stroked the top of the Professor’s head. The others beginning the process of reattaching his spinal harness now that the medication had been administered. _**I mean, you only got drunk cause I wanted to drink. And in the act of drinking, a person is actively signing up for the possibility of a horrible hangover in the aftermath.**_

The Professor lightly hissed as the pieces started locking into place.

_**TL;DR. We both signed the alcohol contract. We both suffer.** _

“Very well, I see your point.” The Professor lightly chuckled. “And I suppose this is also another life experience on the list of things you’ve missed out on. Even if isn’t necessarily one of the best ones out there.” He allowed himself to become more somber, his voice becoming softer. “Once we’ve completed your body, there will be plenty more we can eventually check off. I’ll personally see to that.”

The mechanical limbs reattaching his prosthesis paused in their movements as a strange noise resonated in his head. A sound similar to a cat murping—as the kids these days called it—in surprise. A sound that could have only been produced by Haus with how clearly Membrane was able to perceive it.

Had what he said really come as that much of a shock?

All he’d done was express his desire to ensure he got to experience all life had to offer once they had finished constructing his full body prostheses.

Because that’s what this body they were working on was, in retrospect.

Sure, there was the… _Other_ reasons tied to its construction. But that hadn’t been a factor in his initial offers and personal conceptualizing even before Haus had finally agreed.

Learning the other had once been flesh and blood had only further encouraged the Professor’s initial decision in creating a body for his dear friend. Before Haus had held him to his promise of making one he could… Well… _Fuck_ … He’d already begun to make a mental note of how he would need to change his initial concept of what he’d had in mind.

Because creating a body for the Computer, for Haus, now had the additional impact of replacing something he had lost. And by definition, that is what prostheses were: attachments intended to restore the normal functions of a missing body part.

Haus had lost and was missing his physical body.

Any new body they created would have to—

_**Are you flirting with me again?** _

“… Huh?” The Professor could only blink in confusion at that. “Wha… ‘Again’?”

 _ **Yeah.**_ Haus seemed to snicker in amusement at his confusion. **_After you stopped being such a sad sack, you started spouting cheesy pickup lines in Spanish until you passed out._**

“… _What?!_ ” Had he really— “You can’t be serious.”

 ** _‘Pasas tanto tiempo en mi mente, debería cobrarte alquiler’._** His own voice sounded back in response. But unlike the other times when Haus would use his own voice to say something silly in order to mess with him…

This was an _actual recording._

The sudden display monitor being set in front of him, playing back the same moment in question, only made that increasingly more obvious.

What showed on the computer screen in front of him were the events that likely proceeded immediately after he had stopped being ‘a sad sack’ as Haus had put it. Lying on his stomach while in this very bed as he lightly stroked at one of the cable limbs that were laying limp around him.

The new topic of conversation by the point of this recording having become how a piece of the other was in the Professor’s head at all times. Leading into the previous audio snippet of him slipping into his mother tongue just to say: “You spend so much time on my mind, I should charge you rent.”

Though he hadn’t stopped there.

Of _course_ he hadn’t.

Haus had made that _very_ clear.

Haus’ past self had only laughed in response after a pause while the Professor himself drunkenly giggled...

_“Okaaaaay~” Haus chuckled, wrapping his cable limbs around Membrane and lifting him up off the bed. Just enough so that he could pull back the sheets. “I think that’s a clear sign it‘s time for you to go the fuck to sleep.”_

_“Oh, oh~” He practically moaned in response. “Me enciendes, querido.”_

_“Christ, Professor.” The Computer was breathlessly laughing so much he snorted. “Is me putting you to bed REALLY getting you this hot and bothered?” his voice took on a familiar purring undertone._ _  
_

_“¿Soy yo, o eres solo tú?”_

_“Oh my god...!”_

_“Ojalá fueras bombero para apagar el fuego de mi deseo.”_

_Haus couldn’t contain his laughter anymore at that point._

And then suddenly they were BOTH uttering line after cliche line at one another. The Professor eventually seemed to tire himself out... _  
_

_“No hay palabras para describir lo que siento en su presencia.”_

Only to continue murmuring what could only be described as “sweet nothings” until he finally did drift off.By that point in time, in the present, the final pieces of the Professor’s harness had been reattached. Allowing him full control over his arms once more.Which he took full advantage of in hiding his reddened face in shame. Blocking out the rest of the recording.

 ** _Let me just say,_** Haus was snickering, entirely amused by his reaction. Seeming to even _thrive_ off of it. Even if how hard he was blushing now only worsened his migraine. **_If I hadn’t already agreed to letting you make me a body so you could fuck it. You definitely would have won me over with those more raunchy one-liners._**

“Haus...”

 ** _Heck, if I already had a body I would’ve been begging you to fuck me right now—_** ****“Haus, _please...!_ ”

 ** _Sorry, sorry,_** the other apologized, the teasing tone dropping from their voice. ** _It was just funny compared to how childish and cute you acted the rest of the night._**

“No, no...” Membrane sighed as he lifted his head. “I’m the one who should be apologizing for my crude behavior.”

 ** _... Why?_** Haus seemed confused. **_I didn’t mind it._**

 ****“Still...” The Professor groaned as he moved to hang his legs off the edge of the bedding. Preparing to get up and leave.

Though the swiftness with which he moved made his head start pounding all over again.

 _ **Don’t get so worked up or move so quickly.** _ He was suddenly scolded as a mechanical limb pressed itself to his head again. _Y **ou’re going to end up undoing all my hard work before you even get home.**_

“Funny, seeing as you were purposely riling me up just a moment ago.” Membrane rolled his eyes, swatting away the Computer-controlled limb as he adjusted his goggles and lifted them over his head. Effectively moving them out of the way so he could rub at his eyes and and drag his gloved hands down his face.

He didn’t even need a mirror to know just how disheveled and unkempt he looked at this moment.

 _ **That’s your own fault.**_ Haus said in his defense. **_A man as big as you shouldn’t react so cutely to being teased._**

That comment only had his face reddening all over again.

* * *

Professor Membrane pulled up to his home around fifteen minutes later after finally leaving the little green house and his friend’s mind behind.

Though just because he had left Haus’ physical presence, he had not left his company.

Not in the slightest.

While the drive home was mainly kept in silence, due to the Professor wanting the least number of distractions possible for him to deal with, he could still feel and hear Haus’ activity in his head.

Every now and then, when the Professor was met with flashes of light too bright that would make him squint his eyes or bare his teeth, the soft pained whimpers of Haus would sound at the back of his mind. Proof of how his dear friend had been serious when saying that he would be suffering with him till the end of this ordeal.

It made staying upset with him over his earlier teasing incredibly difficult.

Not that Membrane ever could stay mad at him for long.

Ages ago, only his children were on the list of those he couldn’t maintain anger or hold a grudge against.

That short list had expanded quite a bit over the last few years.

 ** _The boys are all still out getting groceries, they shouldn't be back for a bit longer._** Haus said as Membrane closed the driver’s side door of the car and started heading into the house through the garage. **_Gaz is still home, gaming in the living-room._**

 ****With that given notice, the Professor did his best to straighten out his attire and make himself presentable using the sideview mirror of his car. Only venturing into the house once he was satisfied with his appearance and bracing himself for facing his daughter. Mentally praying that, just this once, her perceptiveness wouldn’t be so sharp that she would notice something was amiss.The bags under his eyes were quite deep. And without his makeup, he could do very little to conceal them.

 ** _Professor, it’s not the end of the world if your daughter manages to figure out you have a hangover._** Haus reassured.

“Maybe so, but I would still prefer she didn’t.” He replied in a hushed tone of voice as he entered the house through the kitchen, beginning the process of brewing himself some tea.As opposed to his usual blends, he instead made a grab for those that he rarely drank unless the moment called for it. Mixing together those that were _said_ to help with hangovers, but weren’t scientifically proven to actually cure them like some would claim.

A herbal blend consisting mainly of ginger and lemon tea.

Far from his favorite blend, he preferred things that were a tad sweeter and heavier in flavor.

But beggars can’t be choosers...

As he waited for the water to come to a boil, he set to making himself some toast. A heavier breakfast made by himself—or Foodio—not coming off as the most appealing thought when feeling how he did.

**_Really, Professor..._ **

Haus mentally, and physically, sighed. The man-made house systems responding just as well as the Irken architecture of the other building to his input. Even without being fully integrated just yet.

**_At most she’ll just think the fact you actually went and got drunk is weird._ **

****“ _Exactly_.” Membrane lightly hissed. “I hardly even take more than a couple sips of champagne during my own company’s dinner events.”

 ** _Again. That’s why at most she’ll think it’s weird._** If Haus had eyes, the Professor imagined the other would be rolling them at him. **_Especially if you tell her it was all my idea. Cause it WAS. Not like she’ll suddenly have a different opinion of you._**

 ****“I would still rather not...” He muttered as he began steeping the tea bag, using a spoon to push it around in the mug in an attempt to drive out the flavor faster.The quicker he could drink his tea, the quicker he could stop feeling as though he were about to lose the lunch he hadn’t even had.

 ** _Fine then..._** Haus huffed with noticeable irritation. **_But you have about ten seconds to get your story straight before she’s right behind you._**

It turned out to be a good thing his tea wasn’t ready for drinking just yet, because had would have likely spat out or started choking on any sip he could’ve been taking. His mind scrambling as he tried to formulate an excuse, something he should have already prepared long before stepping through the door.

But ten seconds went by sooner than Membrane would have liked. Giving him barely any time at all to seat himself at the dining table with his tea and toast in an attempt to appear as though nothing was a miss.

“Morning, dad.” Gaz said as she entered the kitchen, making a beeline for the fridge to grab a soda before plopping down next to him at the table.

“Good morning, honey.” He tried to say with his usual enthusiasm and energy but found himself unable. A defeated sigh escaping him as he rested his head on one of his hands.

Maybe he could play things off as just not feeling well.

Oh if only the universe would give him no such luck...

“Have fun at the party?” Gaz asked after giving him a quick once over. Booting up her GameSlave as she took a swig from her soda can.

“... Party?” Membrane rubbed his head at that. Both in conversion and to try and alleviate some of the tension that had built up.

“The one where you got wasted.” His daughter said entirely nonchalant with her usual blunt manner of speaking. She didn’t even so much as even lift her head to look at him as she did.Had she, she may have seen the color drain from her father’s face completely.

“I... I was at no party...!” The Professor lightly stammered. “I was with Haus monitoring his systems all of last night.”

“... So you got wasted with the Computer?”

 ** _“... Noooo.”_** Said Computer suddenly spoke up over the kitchen speakers that had just been installed last week. Though his volume was more subdued. **_“We were experimenting with a neural link connection.”_** Gaz opened an eye at that as she turned her gaze toward the ceiling. **_“There uh... There wasn’t any alcohol involved... Really.”_**

Both of Gaz’s eyes were open in skepticism at that point as she looked from the ceiling to her dad. Her attention briefly flickering towards the mug of tea in front of him before she spoke.

“Dad smells like wine breath and he’s drinking migraine tea.”

**_“Uuuuh—”_ **

_“What?!”_ Membrane turned his head for a quick moment in an attempt to sneakily check his breath. Though he was unable to smell a thing. “How would you _know_ what ‘wine breath’ smells like, Gazlene?!”

The question came out more accusatory than intended, though Gaz simply rolled her eyes.

“I've been to your fancy _science_ dinners before, Dad.” She said cooly. “I know what _drunk scientist_ smells like.”

“Ah...”

There was no way of eloquently explaining himself out of this one, was there?

 ** _“Okay, FINE! We have a hangover! UGH!”_** Haus admitted while the Professor was still unable to even get a word out. **_“But it REALLY WAS part of a neural link experiment. I wanted to see what being drunk felt like.”_**

 ****“Did your reason for getting wasted have anything to do with why ZiM dragged GIR here crying and screaming?”

**_“YEEESSS...”_ **

****“... Yeah I can’t blame you.” Gaz turned her attention back to her game right then. Allowing for Membrane to let out the breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. “I’m just surprised you didn’t try talking dad into it sooner.”

“He _really_ needed the drink...” Membrane muttered, resting his arms and head on the table. Giving up on appearances.Haus had turned out being right, after all.

Gaz’s overall opinion towards him hadn’t changed.

Yet he still felt like utter crap.

From the hangover in general and his daughter seeing him in this predicament. Even though she had certainly seen him in far worse states before.

“Honestly...?” Gaz’s lightning-fast fingers paused in their movements for just a second. “With everything you’ve put up with over the years. So did you, dad. You really needed the chance to completely relax unwind a bit.”

The Professor turned and lifted his head just enough so he could look at her.

“You think so, honey?”

“You take anxiety medication for a reason, don’t you?” She countered, and there wasn’t really anything he could say to argue against that in his current state. “Next time though, if you really don’t want _us_ to figure out what you were up to,” she emphasized the word ‘us’ as if to insinuate it was ridiculous for him to even think her brother or ZiM would ever put two and two together. “you need a better ‘morning after’ plan.”

 ** _“Yeeeaaah,”_** Haus started. ** _“this was sort of last minute, so...”_**

“We didn’t exactly do much planning beyond ensuring I didn’t drink more than two glasses.” Membrane finished.

Gaz reached over to pat his head. The action as well as her silence taken as an act of sympathy towards her father.

“Come on dad,” She said. “Let’s go to the store and get you some generic migraine pills for your head.”

“Store…?” Membrane lifted his head up further to look his daughter in the eye. “We don’t have to go to the store. I have my ** _—”_**

“Dad, you look like utter crap.” His daughter’s blunt _—_ but wholly accurate _—_ statement caused the Professor to wince. “And I _know_ ZiM’s Computer probably gave you some kind of weird alien drug injections for your back. There’s no way you’re taking your oxycodone prescription while whatever he gave you is in your system.”

 _ **“Hey!”** _Haus seemed to stammer in offense. **_“I ran tests to make sure there would be no negative—”_**

“You’re hungover too, you don’t get a say in this.”

* * *

The Professor came to appreciate his daughter’s show of sympathy and concern as the day went on. Especially when ZiM, Dib, and GIR finally returned home from the store over an hour later than anticipated. Bringing with them the usual loud conversations and shouting that often accompanied them and causing his head to pound despite all he’d already done to alleviate it.

But Gaz offered another show of mercy. Managing to convince the boys into going out to play laser tag before they could begin to question his current state. ZiM had been _more_ than up it, rather fond of running around in the game arena, and had practically dragged Dib out the door with them.

That only left GIR…

MiniMoose’s whereabouts were unknown. But GIR was still very much present in the household due to ZiM not wanting him to ruin things for them at the laser tag arena with his “GIRness”.

Thankfully, it was easy enough to convince the little child robot that they were playing a whispering game to keep him quiet. And lifting his TV ban more than certainly helped.

GIR only really became a problem a few hours later, well after the Professor’s hangover had been dealt with by a nice hot shower and additional sleep.

And by that point, he had forgotten all about their game of “Quiet”.

“U SMOOCH HIM YET?!” GIR was shouting as he stood atop the kitchen table where the Professor was eating a long overdue meal. Squishing his own cheeks with his hands and puckering his lips. “U SMOOOOCHH?”

“Uuuuuuuuuh...” The Professor could only blink and stare in confusion.

“ _House!!!_ ” GIR suddenly pointed towards the ceiling. “You smoochy?!”

“… Oh…!” _Ooooh…_

_Right…_

He thought they were—

 _ **I changed my mind,**_ Haus blurted quickly in his head. **_Unplug me. Unplug me NOW._**


	8. Chapter 8

Computer felt nauseated.

Something one would think impossible for someone without an actual stomach. But he felt it nonetheless.

It was no different than GIR being able to cry despite having no tear ducts or being able to function at all despite his brain being nothing but literal garbage tossed into an empty SIR unit.

GIR just so happened to be part of the reason _why_ he was feeling nauseated too. And not from doing anything actually vomit-inducing or detrimentally disgusting for once.

_And GIR had actually ingested raw sewage once._

No.

The reason why he felt nauseated right now wasn’t because of anything like that.

It was just how many romance movies the defunct little SIR had somehow managed to come back to the base from the movie rental place with.

Movies he was, unfortunately, going to have to have one of his instances watch in painstakingly slow real-time.

“EEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! MOVIE NIGHT!!!!” GIR screeched as he literally bounced all about the room. His boundless energy in contrast to Haus’ lack of it making the Irken Intelligence Brain feel as though a couple dozen more years had been drained from him.

But if he didn’t do this, _watch_ these movies with him, then there would be hell to pay in the form of GIR screaming and crying loud enough to pierce his soundproofing all over again.

This was all just to keep the SIR unit placid. And most of all…

Keep him from bothering Professor Membrane.

Upon being told that he and “house” hadn’t _smooched_ like he’d been hoping they had, the waterworks had started almost instantly. The little robot babbling incomprehensibly through the tears about how they were “in love” and “needed to smooch” and other nonsense like that. The sheer volume and pitch were enough to cause their shared hangover migraine to return with a vengeance.

Quelled only when the Professor humored the GIR’s desire for them to “smooch” by kissing his hand and then pressing it against the wall. Instantly shutting him up…

Until Membrane had said they wouldn’t be able to properly ‘smooch’ like he wanted them to until they’d finished building his body. And that he’d have to be patient.

Which GIR was _more_ than excited about.

Of course, the Professor had only said that to get the little robot to stop trying to ‘set them up’ for the time being. A temporary solution that would hopefully become permanent by GIR just forgetting entirely what he’d said.

But Computer knew better than to be too optimistic about that possibility.  
GIR was forgetful with certain things, yes.

But this wasn’t one of them.

Case in point, what he was currently being subjected to several days later.

_“We gonna watch aaaaaaaaalllll the romance movies.”_

Ugh…

_“You gotta learn to kiss him for when you has lips!!!”_

As if he needed to do any _more_ research on that.More than what he’d already done on his own time, anyway.The Computer hated to how invested he’d become in this whole thing.

Hated how he felt about the Professor.

And he _definitely_ hated how the sexual nature and acts of humanity were actually appealing to him now. Of course, there were still certain human fetishes and kinks he still found disgusting and unsanitary. But he was surprised to find just how much he was willing to try as long as it was the Professor he was doing it with.

Even the positions in that amateur porn video he had accidentally mistaken for an educational reference on human reproduction to show ZiM once-upon-a-time was piquing his curiosity. Still found it gross, but he was willing to give it a try if the Professor was.

 _God_ help him though if the man was into anything on his “no way in hell” list.

But considering how he had to explain what _hentai_ was to the Man of Science, he highly doubted it.

Speaking of the Professor...He’d been more relaxed and less tense ever since their little experiment with alcohol and drunkenness. Much like when he had masturbated over his console. Embarrassed and ashamed by his actions whenever the Computer brought them up, but in a much chipper mood and far less wound up.

Gaz had been right in saying her father had needed it too, not just him. And that made Haus feel less guilty about the initial pressure he’d unintentionally put on the man. Even with the subsequent hangover.

Right now, the Professor was down in his home lab working the evening away. Working on designing his body with hopes of getting to the more _delicate_ design features sometime soon.

_“GIR, remember how you said you were gonna watch movies with me to prepare me for my date with Membrane?”_

_“Yeeeeeeesssssss?”_

The whole reason he wanted to keep GIR at bay from bothering the man during the process.

_“I need you to go and get all of these specifically.”_

It had been a rather _long_ list he’d printed out and produced to the SIR unit. Films hard to come by in physical form for the express purpose of making GIR take as long as possible coming back.

_“The research materials shall be acquired!”_

The fact this little makeshift ‘mission’ had managed to briefly trigger GIR’s Duty Mode had posed some promise.

Even if it had only lasted a few seconds, as per usual.

_“HURRAY! MOVIE NIIIIGHT!”_

And yet...

Somehow...

GIR had managed to find Every. Single. One.

How? Haus had no idea. He was just thankful for his ability to split his consciousness into as many instances as he could. Because otherwise, he wouldn’t be able to take part in the design process of his own body while also keeping GIR satiated.

And so far, that was going about just as well as attempting to explain to ZiM the very fact he would be getting a body in the first place.

Mostly because the Professor, the dear himbo of science that he was, kept asking questions and pressing Haus about design choice decisions that he made all for the sake of not appearing Irken.

“I still don’t believe that would be a good idea.” The Professor expressed, his jaw slightly clenched. “I understand the want to not have ZiM mistakingly think you’re his tallest in certain light conditions. But your head as well as the rest of the form will already appear unlike their silhouette as is. I doubt the legs—”

**_LEGS ARE THE FIRST THING ZIM SEES!_ **

"I understand that...!” The Professor sighed. “But Irken legs seem to be structured similarly enough to how human legs are that basing them more off the latter may be a better course of action. Your dormant muscle memory of limb and body movement may have a more difficult time adapting to ones so different from what you had before."

 ** _Again_** , the Computer took control of the Professor’s monitor to display a simplistic stick-figure drawing of an Irken. One with a question mark above its head that he had pulled up many times already and was using a finger pointer cursor to point towards aggressively. ** _I don’t even remember what I used to look like!_**

"Alright, okay—" Membrane leaned back in his chair as he pulled up his goggles to rub at his eyes and drag a hand down his face. The man taking in a breath and then slowly letting it out in frustration towards his stubbornness.

Like he ALSO wasn't being stubborn!

"Let's just forget about the legs for now..." The Professor leaned forward again, closing out the Computer's stick-figure self-portrait of his past self and bringing up the unfinished design concept again. "Is the rest of the body's main appearance to your liking at least?"

Haus processed the design in just under a few seconds. The design was indeed a mass improvement from the first time he had popped in while the scientist had been burning the midnight oil while at work on it. He even kept in the visor headpiece that would plug into his eye-sockets and act as his means of collecting visual data.

But...

**_Hmmm..._ **

"What? What’s wrong with it?"

 ** _No offense, Professor..._** How to put this... **_But I look like a manikin._** He said, straight to the point. **_Are you SURE those are your preferences?_**

 ****"Why do my preferences matter so much?"

**_So you really imagine me looking like a flat-assed stick doll while you fuck me?_ **

"What?!" The Professor was red in the face at that accusation. "NO! Of course not!"

 ** _THAT’S EXACTLY MY POINT!_** Haus sighed. **_Come on, Professor, don't be shy._** He pulled out a more flirtatious tone of voice. ** _You may be the only one who will get to see and play with my naughty bits... But when you imagine me with a body, how do you REALLY imagine me looking?_**

 ****He felt the man's back stiffen as his hair began standing on end. How he was speaking to the Professor now clearly getting to him.

Good.

That would just make talking sense into him easier.

 ** _How did you think I looked like when you still thought I was human? What kind of face and build did you imagine the man on the other end of the line having?_** He slyly pressed. _**Come on, I deserve to look hot.** _**_Why don't you take that and combine it with the other preferences that made you have no issue with rubbing one out against a brain in a jar?_**

 ****The Professor was silent for a moment, but clearly riled up by everything he'd just said to him. Along with his rigid posture, his biological readings showed his heart-rate and body temperature had risen. No need to resort to mind reading to figure out what may have been going on in his head needed.

Without a word, Membrane picked up the tablet stylus pen from the table and began modifying the concept sketch and its accompanying 3D model. Zooming in on and starting with the face.

**_Ooo... Cheekbones, hm?_ **

"Over the phone, you gave me the impression you had a sort of a permanent sullen appearance given your sleep deprivation..." The Professor explained as he continued to work at the design. "Which... Knowing the truth, probably wasn't a far off assumption... Heh..." He gave a bit of a sheepish laugh at that as he finished up on the sketch.

 ** _I like it._** **_Feels appropriate._** The Professor seemed relieved to hear him say that. **_And you can just say you find pronounced cheekbones sexy, Professor. I don't mind._**

And just like that, he was a flushed mess again as he lowered his head as he continued to work. Haus eyeing the entire process from his point of view with immense interest.

Though It wasn't just the Professor's sketching that he was currently watching with his complete and utter attention.

Back at the base, that instance of himself being forced to marathon movies with GIR wasn’t hating the first film being played as much as he expected to. Sure, it was cheesy and riddled with cliches that could be seen a mile away.

But he found himself actually invested in the plot.

Even MiniMoose—who’d just turned up from where ever it was they’d been—was engrossed with watching the movie alongside him and GIR.

Which was honestly the best outcome he could have hoped for. Now he wouldn’t have to worry too much about keeping MiniMoose busy and away from the Professor either.

Things were really starting to look up.

Even if he was still refusing to acknowledge some of the deeper implications of his newfound emotions he didn’t want to deal with.

 ** _See? Now we're talking!_** He exclaimed to the Professor about thirty minutes later once he’d finished modifying the design concept for his body.

What was once a rather bland looking droid design was now a fully fleshed out render. The form muscular and broad, yet still slim and sleek even with the protruding decorative accents on the shoulders and hips.

And not only that, the Professor had thought to give him rather pillowy looking pecs.

Not to mention a decently plump ass and thighs to boot.

 _This_ was a body he could actually envision himself having. One with character to it that he really could be comfortable in after however long it took him to adjust.

**_Was that so hard, Professor~?_ **

The Professor’s answer was a simple muffled “yes”.

Muffled because the man had folded his arms on his desk and was hiding his face in them. Embarrassed and ashamed how, despite his claims of not ever experiencing sexual attraction towards people, he certainly had an eye for features that were considered appealing.

Even _with_ the approval he was receiving.

 ** _You know,_** Haus chuckled before speaking a bit more seriously. **_This design process would have gone a lot faster if you were just honest with your dick from the get-go._** Though of course, he couldn’t help but tease the man.Causing him to grip at the surface of the desk hard enough to leave indents. **_P.S., I still have it here in my hub room if you’re still looking to making adjustments to it._**

“My body’s design isn’t the one presently up for debate...!” Membrane sat upright and adjusted his coat with a huff.

Then he grew silent and contemplative for a moment before speaking. Haus already knowing what he was going to ask before the words even left his mouth.“Out of curiosity... What are Irken sex organs like?” 

**_You're more of a freak then I thought you were._ **

“Haus, _please!_ ” Professor huffed again in flustered irritation. “I’m asking from a scientific perspective and out of concern!” He insisted as he brought up images of human reproductive systems. “There are bound to be obvious differences between our species and you feeling a sense of dysphoria from possessing mismatched genitalia is a strong possibility if we...” He coughed as if to clear his throat, though it was really to prepare himself for the next words he was about to say. “If we are to give you a...”

**_A cunt?_ **

“Yes! Yes...” Membrane tugged at his collar again, as though that would somehow stop him from turning as red as a tomato. An adorable but pointless action given steam was already forming on his goggles. “You said you were considered a male Irken prior to your... _Conversion_. Yet you don’t seem too opposed to the idea of being paired with sex organs for the opposite sex. The opposite for humans at least.” He muttered the last bit a tad to himself. “Hence I was curious if male Irken anatomy was somehow similar or if you were just going along with it based on what I’d... What I’d _said_. I want you to be comfortable with your body prosthesis.” ** _  
_**

 ** _And that’s why you don’t want me to feel dysphoric like how..._** The Computer stopped himself as he chose his phrasing carefully. **_Like how many trans-gendered members of your society can sometimes feel to the point of willingly undergoing sex reassignment surgery?_**  
  


“Yes, _precisely!_ ” Membrane seemed relieved for more than one reason. “I want to avoid causing you that sort of feeling however possible. That you are mismatched with the new body we will be creating for you.” He lightly scratched at the side of his face almost nervously. “Seeing as I... _Understand_ the feeling.”

 **_Ah.. umm... right..._ ** **_Okay..._ **

Even had he wanted to make any, the Computer knew now wasn’t the time for further teasing or jokes. For more than one reason. Not only because how Professor Membrane was showing him the utmost consideration and care about his opinion and well being again.

**_Right, okay... So..._ **

****He pulled up the relevant information and data he had on what the man had asked, displaying them on the collection of monitors. Trying to cover the nervousness he now felt at the possibility of having been taking it too far with the jokes, considering how the Professor was approaching the entire process with utmost seriousness. And he briefly feared he may have actually seriously insulted the Professor, despite their neurological connection granting him the knowledge that he hadn’t.

The fear was there nonetheless, so the Computer told himself he would follow the Professor’s example going forward. Though chances were that wouldn’t last long. Enticing reactions from the man had recently become a new favorite pastime of his.

It was his own fault anyway. If he didn’t want to be teased, then he shouldn’t make it so consistently easy for him to do so. But that wasn’t what he was meant to be doing now.

Right now it was history and bio lesson time.

**_Just keep in mind that a lot of this information may be incorrect as well as outdated since it’s based on my own past research and speculation._ **

“Duly noted.” The Professor nodded as he leaned back in his seat as if to make himself comfortable and ready to fully absorb whatever information was given to him.

And Haus knew he _would_ take in everything he told him. Unlike ZiM or GIR, who had selective attention spans and often needed things broken down to the simplest form, the Professor could digest practically anything he threw at him. Anything he was confused on he would simply ask for a clearer explanation or further context he didn’t have.

Just another one of the things he loved about the man...

**_In terms of Irken reproduction, before smeeteries there were Irkens that were much like the Tallest of today. Only they not only ruled over the rest of Irken society, but they were also supposedly responsible for the spawning of entire ‘Hives’._ **

****He presented simple figure renderings of two tall Irkens besides another Irken. One clearly meant to represent the Tallest of the present age, and one of Irkens past. A major contrast being the width of the latter’s hips and the length of their antennae being near ankle length.

**_There isn’t anything recorded on the ‘how’, but my best 'educated guess' is that ancient Irkens functioned similarly to your planet's insects. Ants and Bees, to be specific._ **

The imagery of the Past ‘Tallest’ was then given a crown.

**_So these past Tallests would more accurately be considered ‘Queens’ by that comparison._ **

****The image of the present-day Tallest was removed from the screen entirely and only the Queen was left.

**_There isn’t much else on them, but there’s strong information that suggests that the death of a Queen usually resulted in the death of the entire hive along with them. Which is likely why there were multiple Queens and Hives as opposed to one or two._ **

****A bunch of smaller and tinier Irken figures began filling the space around the Queen image.

**_Also; records suggest they gave birth to around several hundred Smeets at a time._ **

More and more smeets kept appearing on the screen until it was practically overrun with them.

“Fascinating.” Membrane commented, now leaning forward in his chair to examine the visuals the Computer was providing. “And I’m assuming such a large number of smeets were reproduced asexually? Going by the ant comparison.”

 ** _Yeah. That’s what I think._** Haus displayed a checkmark as though to indicate that the thought process of the Professor’s was correct. The action an entirely subconscious one. **_Though this is where the data gets confusing. Since it seems the Queens weren’t the only ones to produce smeets._**

“Ah, you mean those birthed by the queen were able to pair off and have young of their own?” The Professor questioned. “Those who weren’t a part of the drones or worker class at the very least.”

 ** _Most likely. But anything explaining the reasoning beyond that was entirely lost or erased._** Haus displayed a trashcan on the screen to accompany that statement. A means to really drive it home how the information was good and gone. **_Pairing up and mating for life like some species do COULD have been a thing they did, but there’s no way of knowing without a time machine to open up a window to show us what past Irk looked like._**

The Professor looked about ready to suggest actually constructing a device to do just that, but he was quick to continue speaking before he could. Time travel shenanigans were not something he wanted to deal with a second time. And just remembering that this in-fact _would_ have been the second time was already starting to make his brain hurt from the multiple paradoxes.

**_Anyway... After the Control Brains, cloning, and PAKs were introduced; natural reproduction was completely eliminated to the point that when you look at the typical Irken biology in comparison to yours..._ **

He brought up an image of ZiM and a human which then split into an X-ray of each species’ respective internal organs.

**_And then also compare it to the insect species of your planet..._ **

****He brought up the internal anatomy of a Worker Honey Bee and an ant, the organs of which lined up far more closely with ZiM’s Irken anatomy than it did with the human’s despite their overlapping silhouette shape. The incredible amount of similarities to the insects’ biological functions highlighting his reasons for theorizing how ancient Irken society likely functioned in a way that was like that of those same insects.

**_When you look, you’ll notice how there aren’t any reproductive organs at all. Especially in a drone such as ZiM._ **

****Haus then used the same pointer finger cursor from before to point towards ZiM’s groin area, emphasizing there was nothing there as he zoomed in on ZiM’s X-ray. This was further highlighted by how he labeled and listed the function of every present organ.

 ** _Maybe there are the occasional Irkens cloned who DO have functional sex organs, but if so there’s no record of it. TL;DR,_** suddenly ZiM’s X-Ray was replaced by multiple Vortian ones. ** _Basing my no-no square on a different species’ reproductive organs would be easier than trying to figure out how an Irken’s used to work. Cause as far as I’m aware, I didn’t even have anything down there to begin with._**

“That was more or less plan anyway if you lacked any information on the matter.” The Professor practically mused. “I was simply asking due to my own scientific curiosity. Especially the current manner of how your people are ‘born’ or... ‘cracked’ more accurately as you described it. It’s all very fascinating to hear about.”

**_I believe you compared the process to being like ‘a coin operated prize capsule machine’ that night we were wasted._ **

Membrane lightly laughed at that.

“Did I?” He gave another laugh as he rubbed at the back of his head a tad awkwardly. “I don't remember that...”

 ** _Well, I do._** The Computer reminded him. **_I have security footage of that whole night._**

“Aha ha… You _what_?”

If he hadn’t already had the suspicion the Professor had forgotten how he had literally shown him footage he’d taken from that night before, they would have certainly been confirmed now. Which was unsurprising really, given how out of sorts the man had been while suffering from that horrible hangover.

Still, the fact that it made the man flustered to be reminded that every drunken action of his had been recorded and saved to memory was still thoroughly amusing.

**_I’m still the security system, man. Did you REALLY expect me to NOT record everything that happened?_ **

Membrane’s skin tone seemed to suddenly shift into a bright shade of red. The sudden heat in his face causing his goggles to fog up and forcing him to lift them up to rub at his eyes.

“No, _no...! T_ hat makes perfect sense…!” He managed to say without stammering. “Being the central computer and security system of _your_ household as well my own…” He somehow turned even redder than he already was. “Of course you would keep recordings...”

 _ **How much DO you remember?**_ Haus chuckled, decided to be a bit merciful before the Professor managed to burst a vein from getting too worked up. _**Want me to fill in the gaps?**_

“Ah… No... No, that’s perfectly alright. There’s no need." Professor Membrane coughed and cleared his throat. “We talked about how Irkens are born, I remember that... And you talked of your son quite a lot...” He calmed down the more he recalled, his body temperature and heart rate returning to more acceptable levels. “We also talked of other things that I don't quite remember. Though… Ah…”

And then he was blushing again as he coughed awkwardly.

“I do believe that in our inebriated state that we may have gotten a bit more… 'friendly' with each other than we might have intended... With your cables...”

… _Oh._

So _that_ he remembered?

Haus had been expecting that part of the night—as had happened with the flirting—had been entirely lost to the Professor.

But _somehow_ he remembered their near-delve into _hentai_ just fine.

“But it didn't go anywhere beyond that...!” The man quickly added. “Least, from what I recall...”

 _ **We did get ‘friendly’, yes.**_ Haus confirmed, unable to help but take things further despite his promise to himself to take things more seriously.

And how _could_ he resist being a tease knowing this?

It was simply too rich.

**_You also said that once we were more familiar with one another you wouldn’t mind revisiting the scenario we almost acted on._ **

“What?!”

**_Also, I had to take away the bottle cause you forgot you already had two glasses and just eagerly went in for another._ **

“I see…” The Professor continued to spiral the more information that he gave him.

But then he suddenly stopped. A hand now cupping his chin, pressing the fabric of his lab coat collar into his mouth as he seemed to be taking something else into serious consideration.

_**… Professor?** _

“Hm…”

He appeared almost more concerned than before he’d even posed the question he had about possible dysphoria arising once Haus was given his new body. That is if the sudden shift in his bodily readings were to be trusted.

And Haus’ biological readings were _never_ wrong.

_**Use your words, Professor.** _

“Ah…!”

Membrane seemed taken aback by the sudden address. Though not so much as he would have been had the Computer just decided to read his thoughts. Something he could do quite easily but had opted to stop doing unless absolutely necessary. Mainly due to how uncomfortable it made the man at times.

Plus it just took the fun out of some of their conversations.

“I just had a thought…” The Professor began. “From what you managed to elaborate on when it came to Irken reproduction habits prior and post cloning era… It sounds as though sex for the sake of pleasure may not have been something your species indulged in.”

 _ **As far as we’re aware.**_ Haus reminded. _**There’s just a lack of comprehensive historical data on the subject. So who can be sure. I imagine the sterile Irken drones still had sex for pleasure at the very least, once-upon-a-time.**_

“Do you?” Membrane raised a curious brow at that.

 _ **Irkens are selfish by nature and have a natural want to make things that bring them joy theirs alone or even just for the sake of making it so others can’t have it instead.**_ He said as a matter of fact. Knowing very well he was making a dig at himself and ZiM with his statement. **_Not hard to imagine that would also apply to sex and mating when it was still something we engaged in as a species._**

“I see… When you put it that way it does seem scientifically logical.” The Professor nodded almost sagely in agreement. “It may even be where the selfish aspects of your people’s natures first developed. Though… Why eliminate it?”

 _ **Hell if I know!**_ Haus practically scoffed and would have rolled his eyes at that. Though it did make him wonder… **_You’d have to ask the Control Brains. It was ultimately their decision._**

“That’s another thing…” Membrane continued, holding up a finger as if to ask he wait a moment. “You say the Tallest are the new acting ‘Queens’ in current society. But it's really these Control Brains that are entirely in charge and pulling the strings?”

_**… Yeah? Where are you going with this?** _

“Is it possible that the past Irken Queens became these Control Brains that your people hold such high regard for and your Tallest simply figureheads meant to act as Stand-Ins for a Queen figure rather than be them themselves?”

…

Oh…

Oh _fuck._

That actually made a whole lot of sense.

He hadn’t put much thought into that ever since he’d decided to separate himself from the Empire long before ZiM did. But that—

“And by that logic, would that not mean you also are technically a Control Brain and ‘Queen’ in your current state?”

…

_This fucking Himbo…_

“Haus, why are you laughing?”

 _ **I’m sorry, I’m sorry, it’s just**_ _—_ Haus struggled to reign himself in. _**That isn’t how it works, unfortunately.**_

At least, he would continue to tell himself that was how it was

He didn’t want to put too much thought into how, if things had been slightly different, he would have been in a position of power rather than one of servitude. Even if, based on what he remembered of his past life, that would have never happened.

He also didn’t want to think too much on how it applied to his current situation.

Because if he understood right…

Membrane was calling ZiM, GIR, and MiniMoose his Hive that he resided over.

And that was too accurate a comparison for him to want to deal with right now. Even if it was no different than simply saying he was their parent.

 _ **But I’ll take you thinking I’d be a fitting ‘Queen’ as a compliment.** _So he decided to change the topic. _**Why were you thinking about Irkens having sex for pleasure again?**_

“Ah, well…” The Professor shifted a bit uncomfortably in his chair again as he lightly scratched at his face. Clearing his throat for what was the 26th time in the past few hours. “Because on Earth, humans and dolphins are the only known species, mammals and nonmammals included, that have sex for that very reason. With every other creature on this planet, sex is simply for the sake of reproduction. Not something done for recreational purposes.”

 _ **… Okay…?**_ The Computer urged for him to continue. Having a good idea of where the man was going with this but wanting to hear him say it for confirmation before he said anything in turn. _**And?**_

“And, I wasn’t sure if your connection to me may have had any sort of influence on your decision making.”

Oh for the love of…

How many times was this man gonna question the legitimacy of his want to _fuck_ him _?_

It was a real concern for him to have, that was for certain. But the Computer knew for a fact that everything he was anticipating wasn’t the case here.

 _ **You really think I would be going along with this if I wasn’t into the whole thing? If it wasn’t possible for an Irken to have a sexual appetite?**_ He scoffed within the Professor’s mind as though offended. _**Sure,**_ ** _carnal desires and wants tend to be a sign of a Defective in this day and age. But come on, man!_**

“’Defective’…” The Professor quietly murmured that word to himself, it seeming to catch his attention more than Haus’ jab at his belief. “That’s the word you said would be used to describe you and ZiM both…”

 _ **Because that’s what we are.**_ Haus said a bit more solemnly. Once again not liking the turn the conversation was taking and forcing himself to speak more bitterly for the sake of appearances. **_We didn’t turn out the way good drones are meant to. And before you say it, I know what the equivalent Earth label would be. Neurodivergent. Having an atypical neurological configuration_** _ **—**_

“The same way my kids and I are.”

The Computer’s bitterness was snuffed out immediately at that as his mind instantaneously brought up the data on each member of the Membrane family. All their medical records and every diagnosis that they had ever been given on their physical and mental health.

While with Dib’s there were a lot of false diagnoses that had to be shifted through before a complete and accurate one could have been compiled for him to store in his databanks. The Professor’s medical records were ones he’d had in his system for the longest time now. He’d consistently accessed and updated his medical records ever since ZiM one day asked him how long it took for humans to regrow their limbs. Long before the events of the Florpus and his integration into the man’s family unit.

And because of this, Haus knew he was one of the few people aware of the Professor’s conditions on top of what he was like when there wasn’t a camera shoved in his face. The only other individuals were his doctors, his assistant: Lucius Simmons, and his personal nurse/’mother’: Cynthia Flores.

The Professor had Asperger’s Syndrome.

Panic Disorder.

Manic Depression/Biopolar Disorder.

Diagnoses that would have for certain labeled him as ‘Defective’ in Irken society and gotten him culled if it started to get in the way of him performing his duties. No matter how brilliant he may have been.

 ** _… Yeah._** Haus found himself saying after internally reviewing this information. Unable to say anything else since there was very little he _could_ say in response to the Professor’s claim.

Especially when it was 100% correct.

_**The same.** _

“Then you also know that on Earth, it’s completely normal to not fit the mold.” The Professor continued, typing away at the keyboard as he now brought up and presented charts and data for the Computer to take in. “Based on last year’s survey, more than 792 million people have some form of mental health condition. And that 792 million makes up 10.7% of the entire human population. Just above more than 1 in every 10 people.”

_**As a percentage is really doesn’t seem like much despite being such a high number.** _

“Yes. It really doesn’t, does it?” Membrane chuckled, as though amused. “But I’m sure you understand why I thought to bring this up.” He brought his hands together, the action a bit awkward as though he were imagining he were doing something else with his hands entirely.

Was the Professor imagining holding _his_ hand?

“That label of ‘Defective’ doesn’t apply here. It was one humans used in the past in order to define anyone like me or my kids, but we have since moved on from such titles.”

_**Yeah, now you just use ‘crazy’ and ‘insane’.** _

“I’ve been working on that.” the man gave a tired sigh.

 _ **I know.**_ Haus assured him, knowing all the man was doing to rectifying his mistakes of the past with his son.

The Crazy House for Boys, and every other facility like it, had been shut down a couple of years ago now. But the public still held a strong ingrained stigma towards those with mental disabilities and disorders. Replaced by new structures he created meant for treating those with mental illness in a safe environment rather than what had once been modern-day insane asylums.

“My point is,” The Professor steeled his resolve to continue where he had been going with this conversation. “Despite what your people may think of you, you and your son are no different from anyone else here. You’re as normal as they come.”

_**Even despite being an alien and brain in a jar?** _

“Yes!” The Professor laughed. “Even despite that.”

To say he was touched was an understatement.

If the Computer hadn’t already cried upon being treated like a living being after his existence as an Artificial Intelligence Brain had been found out, this instance of himself would have been bawling all over again.

The instance of himself watching movies with GIR and MiniMoose though…

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!” The little SIR just screamed suddenly, catching him off guard.

_**“What?!”** _

“YOURE CRYING! YOURE CRYING!”

“Nyah!”

 _ **“Huh?! What? No!”**_ Damn it. How was it GIR could always hear him no matter what precautions he took? _**“You only cry when you're sad, GIR!”**_

“They happy tears!!” GIR insisted. “You like the wedddinnngggg!”

_**“Look he spent an eternity trapped in a mirror before he and that idiot could get together! I'm gonna ENJOY this!”**_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These chapters keep on turning out longer and longer dlfksdjlfksdf
> 
> More history and biology lessons
> 
> Also a lot of feelings and emotions.


End file.
